


Trip To Oblivion

by Coconut_Kid



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:45:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6325942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coconut_Kid/pseuds/Coconut_Kid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark was the stubborn snow that lingered on the sides of the sidewalk.Jaebum was the sun that slowly melted it away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily coated in angst.You've been warned.Enjoy!

** **

 

**After waking up from the dream that was you**

**This morning of reality feels so empty**

  **(** **My heart feels so empty** **)**

*******

**September 13th ,2013-11:40pm**

Jackson's hands are  cold as he trails them down, lower and lower until he settles his palms against the older male's hips.Mark sighs in content, despite his body shivering at the gentle contact as he leans in closer, seeking warmth.The room is pleasantly chilly but his skin suddenly feels so hot, as if caught on flames.The male behind him lets out a breath that tickles his ear making him squirm and chuckle unintentionally.

''Sorry babe, I really can't drive you back home,''Jackson murmurs, his breath once again ghosting over the shell of Mark's ear.''You can still use my car if you want.''

''It's okay, you've already apologized,'' Mark mumbles sleepily, not being able to suppress a yawn that escapes his mouth.''I get that you're a busy man now, helping your dad with the self-defense club and whatnot.'' He waves his hand halfheartedly in order to dismiss the subject.

Mark isn't able to see the grin that breaks out on Jackson's face but he feels it against his skin when Jackson arches his head in order to plant a soft kiss on his cheek.Mark smiles, and before Jackson can fully pull away, he pecks his lips quickly, savoring the taste of Sprite and chips from younger's mouth.

''You taste like junk food.'' Mark chuckles, scrunching up his nose.

Jackson gasps."Whose idea was to order Chinese, huh?" 

And yeah, Mark can't really argue with that, not now that he's fed and content, about to fall asleep in Jackson's arms if he doesn't get up fast.

''I should be going home.'' He announces with another yawn, this time muffled by Jackson's hand.His eyes are drowsy and the warmth from Jackson's body is slowly pulling him into a very sleepy state.

Jackson whines, his hands tightening around Marks's narrow waist before he buries his head in Mark's soft hair.''Can't you stay a bit longer?''

Mark shakes his head lazily.''You know I have things tomorrow.''

Jackson rolls his eyes.

''Meeting with that excuse of a man.''

''He's my father, Jackson.''

Jackson scowls.''Oh yeah? Then where has he been all these years huh?''Jackson sits up making Mark turn around in his lap.''He just suddenly appears, demanding to see you when he's hurt your mother and you so many times.Jesus Mark, he walked away from you two when you were just a kid.''

Mark presses his mouth in a thin line and his jaw tightens almost painfully to the point of his teeth grinding against one anothe.''Don't start this now.It's too damn late.'' And if his words aren't stern enough, his hard gaze sure makes up for it.Jackson closes his eyes for a moment, letting out a deep breath trough his nose.He brings his hand up behind Mark's head to twine his fingers in Mark's red locks before he pulls him closer, until their foreheads bump.Mark's eyes flutter shut.

''Sorry,''Jackson whispers, his apology rolling onto older male's mouth and Mark's lip barely twitches in response.He places his hand over Jackson's gently, fingers warm and his touch feather like.Almost nonexistent.

''It's okay.''

it always is.

''I don't want you to end up getting hurt.I still think that he has no right to barge into your life like this,but he's your dad, shitty as he may be.He's still responsible for your existence.''Jackson brushes his lips over Mark's, smilling softly against them.Warmness spreads through Mark's chest and he welcomes the pleasant tingling in his stomach.

''Stop worrying so much.'' Mark's chuckle is breathy as he places another quick kiss upon Jackson's lips.''I'm going.'' He finally gets off the couch with heavy limbs and even heavier heart when he sees Jackson's pout, cheeks flushed and hair sticking in various directions.

''I'm too lazy to get up.''Jackson says, dramatically lifting his head before droping it back on the pillow with a groan.Mark shakes his head in disbelief.

''What a gentleman.'' Mark chuckles, in the middle of pulling on his shoes before taking the coat from the hanger.''Never mind, I'm just gonna show myself out.'' He pulls the beanie over his washed out red hair.

''Drive carefully.''Jackson shouts, his voice lost when Mark closes the door behind himself.

-

 **September 14th ,2013-00:48am**   

Jackson is startled awake by the phone vibrating on his stomach, making him blink in surprise.From the moment he picks up, and a frantic familiar voice of a woman erupts through the speaker, he wishes he never answered the call in the first place.

His sleepy mind is able to process only half of woman's words, the unpleasant feeling in his stomach growing by each passing second and his head spins, making him lean against the arm rest.

'' _I-It was on the news-the rain was heavy-the storm, Jackson,the storm was bad, why did you let him drive?!''_

She sobs hard, gasping for air.It 's painful.Jackson can feel his stomach tightening as he gets up from his seat on the couch, carried absentmindedly by his wobbly legs down the narrow hallway to the bathroom.She continues to scream and sob and cry as he releases everything he ate that evening, her voice muffled only by the nasty gagging sounds that come out of his mouth.

 _''He didn't make it....''_ She eventually says, her voice raspy and hoarse, scarily flat and seemingly dried out from every emotion.Jackson's throat is on fire and his eyes are burning in their sockets as he leans his head against the bathroom door,sliding down, until his backside is resting on the cold tiled floor.

 

_Mark Tuan-time of death 00:31_

_-_

**September 16th,2013-1:30pm**

The funeral is small with only closest friends and family attending.To say that Jackson is surprised that Mark's father even shows up is an understatement.He remembers the man from a couple of old pictures he saw few years back, but this man is a polar opposite to the one smiling on the sticky paper in a photo album.

His face is wrinkled and obviously ageing, followed by a lot of grey streaks in his natural dark hair.His eyes are sharp just like Mark's and the resemblance in their smile is almost unbelievable.

The sky is grey and the day is gloomy.It goes well with the depressing, melancholic mood with an addition of moist and heavy air.One droplet of rain falls on Jackson's cheek and it could've been mistaken for a tear if Jackson's eyes weren't dry and bloodshot from insomnia.

Two days without sleep.

Two days with his eyes fully open, staring at the picture of Mark and him from their first trip to Jeju island.

Two days without Mark.But it feels like  _eternity_.

The priest begins the prayer and all people present lower their heads in a respect for the lost soul.All around him, black umbrellas start to open with a distant sound.Jackson fixes his gaze on the moist ground, letting the rain soak his clothes.

A tentative hand touches his shoulder and it takes him a moment to raise his head and look at the chocolate brown eyes boring into his own.Her smile is warm but full of sorrow as she stands beside him pushing her umbrella so it covers him as well.

''You'll catch a cold if you stand like that on the rain.'' Her voice is barely above a whisper and Jackson doesn't know what to say so he just inches a bit closer to her just so he could feel that special warmth only mother can provide.

They start to lower the coffin into the ground and the priest asks if anyone else wants to say their goodbye.Jackson's eyes immediately find Mark's mother couple of feet away from him and she is looking right back at him with that same tired eyes she had for the past couple of days and that same sad smile, only this time much tighter around the edges.She nods her head then and Jackson feels his hands trembling when he walks closer to the large piece of wood, hovering above the hole in the ground.

He swallows the bitter lump in his throat, blinks a couple of times in hope to reveal them from stinging.For a moment he just looks.Looks and tries to bring himself to believe that in that coffin lays a person who was smiling and talking and dancing just a couple of days ago.A person who loved fast food but never gained weight no matter how much he ate.A person who had a strange obsession with collecting old fashion magazines even though he never read them.

Now all that's left from that person is a memory and a smell of his shampoo that somehow still lingers in Jackson's apartment like it's trying to say  _'Don't you dare forget him'._

He exhales one shaky breath, placing his cold palm against the even colder wood.He imagines Mark's soft skin beneath his fingers as he trails them across the polished material, closing his eyes abruptly.He feels the tightening of his throat and he knows that he won't be able to utter a single word.But it's okay, he's sure Mark already knows everything.

So, for the last time,he leans in placing his lips on the wood before pressing his forehead against it.

A silent comfort.

He feels it in the rain drops that drum heavily against his jacket and in the cold wind that ghost across his wet face.

 _'I love you,'_ he thinks on the inside but on the outside his lips just barely twitch as he pulls away from the coffin, watching it disappear into the ground.

***

**June 21st,2014**

''I'm just saying, you'll have to be more present now that your dad is retiring.''Jinyoung says and Jackson only half listens to his friend complain for the God knows what time.He takes a big gulp of beer, putting his legs on the chair opposite of him.There's barely any wind and the heat is strong in the air.Jackson feels a few drops of sweat cascading down his naked chest steadily as he takes another sip of the cold beverage.Jinyoung narrows his eyes at him.

''So now you're ignoring me, huh?'' He asks.

Jackson just shrugs, taking a cigarette from behind his ear before lighting it up.The nicotine burns his lungs but he's already used to it.It feels comforting as he exhales a puff of smoke that unintentionally goes straight in Jinyoung' face.The younger male scrunches up his nose and waves a hand in front of him to chase the smoke away.The tips of Jinyoung's ears turn red and Jackson is sure that the other male is beyond pissed by now.

''You know what, Jackson? I don't fucking care.'' He pushes the chair harshly and stands up."I'm trying okay? I really am, but it's hard when you're being an asshole all the goddamn time.''Jackson spares him a glance as he exhales again, this time to the other side.

''Well maybe I don't want you to try anymore,'' he points out."Maybe I just want you to leave me alone.'' He spits before he picks up the ashtray and heads inside of his apartment.Jinyong continues to follow him like a neglected puppy and Jackson feels the irritation climbing up his neck.

''Look, I know it's hard,''Jinyoung's voice is softer this time when he speaks and it only irks Jackson more.He hates when people pity him.Jinyoung puts a hand on his shoulder, and turns him around so that they are at the eye level.His eyes are full of sympathy.Jackson feels sick to his stomach.

''It's been almost a year.Don't you think-'' Before he can even finish his sentence Jackson slaps his hand off harshly and backs away, palms forming a tight fist.

''Don't you even dare finish that, Jinyoung,'' he says through gritted teeth.''Now please leave before I do something or say something that I'll regret later.'' He lowers his head, knuckles on his hands turning white from the force of squeezing.Jinyoung sighs deeply, running a hand through his jet black hair.

''Whatever.I'm not apologizing this time,'' he says as he puts on his flipflops."I still mean every single word I've said.''

Jackson isn't looking at his best friend.Instead, he fixes his gaze on the crack on the wall that he punched almost a year ago and never had a heart (nor money) to fully repair it.

''By the way,'' he hears Jinyoung's distant voice as the male is opening the door ''I know you don't really give two shits about the self -defense club, but your dad hired a new employee since he obviously can't relay on you.'' The last part of the sentence is muffled and cut off by the door that slams behind Jinyoung as he exits the apartment.

Jackson finally lets his fist loose and pinches the bridge of his nose,realising a breath he didn't even realize he was holding in.His tense muscles relax when he sits himself on the floor, taking a drag of the cigarette that was resting against the ashtray on the nightstand.This time around however, the bitter taste is foreign and unpleasant in his mouth so he exhales quickly with a nasty frown and lets the cigarette burn down on its own.

-

Jackson wakes up with dry lips and a horrible throb behind his temples.He swallows the bitter taste down his throat and groans deeply.When he opens his eyes and tries to keep them that way despite the heavy eyelids,the first thing he spots is an almost empty bottle of vodka on his bedside table and a picture turned upside, resting beside it.

He swallows again, this time the lump that is starting to form in his throat and pushes himself off the bed, muscles aching like he had just ran a marathon.And he silently curses himself over and over again but still gulps down the remaining of the clear liquid, ignoring how heavy his head feels on his shoulders and how his mouth is screaming in protest.

His clock is broken and the battery on his phone is almost empty, but he manages to save it by putting it on the charger in the last minute.And when the screen shines brightly at him, too brightly for his hungover mind to handle, he curses again, putting the device back on the table with a bit more force than needed.

He's already late.Horribly late by an hour and a half but somehow, unsurprisingly, he doesn't give a damn.

His father wanted him to come to the self- defense club today and join them for his 'goodbye party'.Jackson really doesn't want to waste the precious hours that could be spent sleeping on a stupid party for his dad's retirement, with too many kids and too much food that's too colorful, and too many drink's that have zero percentage of alcohol in them.

He rubs his face,feeling the roughness of his fingertips against his own skin and weights the chances of sneaking in a small bottle of whiskey with an excuse that it's an ice tea.

-

It's quite humiliating how some of the older men are wearing birthday caps on their heads and hold pink cups in their hands.Jackson mentally cringes at the sight right as he steps into the familiar surroundings of his father's self defense club.

To say that's it's ridiculous and unnecessary  is certainly an understatement.Why couldn't they just give him a diploma or a certificate and send him home instead of a full blown party?Jackson doesn't understand and his headache is not helping at all.

''Well look who's here,'' If it's even possible,his head hurts more upon hearing that voice.''Turn that frown upside down.'' The person says, casually strolling to Jackson's side before pushing a pink cup in his hand.Jackson shakes his head and feels like he's going to puke.

''What is this shit?'' He manages to wheeze out,eyeing the consistency of the cup.His best friend smirks (the one that doesn't bug him with constant questions and doesn't make him think about twenty ways to hide a dead body).No, this is Choi Youngjae, the only person who can stand Jackson and his behavior and the only person he knows that doesn't have anything to do with the self- defense club but is still invited for God knows what reason.

''Orange juice.'' He snorts, as he takes a sip of it, his eyebrows knitting once he swallows.''It would taste much better with some vodka in it, don't you think?''

And Jackson is once again reminded why this particular person is still present in his life rather than deleted from his contact list.His lip curls upwards, feeling like his face is about to brake apart just from the simple movement.

Instead of answering the question that was probably rhetorical anyway, Jackson shakes the glass, slightly disgusted by the small bits of fruit that float on the surface.''Why are you even here?''

Youngjae laughs, throwing his head back and Jackson really doesn't understand him.Doesn't understand how a person can laugh when it's bloody- he checks his phone that's luckily been charged- eleven am on a Sunday.

''Jinyoung told me about your encounter yesterday, so I figured you'd be shit today,'' he smirks, leaning his back on the wall, giving Jackson a quick once over.''I wasn't wrong.You look like a cow's shit.A really big, nasty one.''

This time, Jackson actually chuckles, despite his throat burning and his fingers twitching for something stronger than plain orange juice.

''Thanks, that really blows up my selfesteem.''

Youngjae shrugs halfheartedly and gulps down the remaining of the orange liquid.''God I need a drink.'' He mumbles.

And Jackson only nods curtly in agreement, muttering an ' _Amen to that'_ , before drinking from his own pink cup.

-

It's actually a bit touching how his dad looks on the verge of tears but more so Jackson still thinks it's embarrassing. _'Thirty and plus years of his career and he's so thankful and whatnot_ '.Jackson blocks out the emotional speech, taking a sip of his juice.Somehow, the fruity drink made his hangover more subtle.Still there, just less annoying.

''...And I know some of you doubt my decision, but I'm sure he'll be able to take care of my treasure in the right way.Jackson, please come here.''

The juice slides in the wrong way and Jackson finds himself almost spitting it out as he coughs wetly, earning a pat on the back from Youngjae and a subtle push in the 'right' direction.Jackson's mind screams at him to turn the other way but something,or rather that pitiful, pleading look in his father's eyes makes him swallow bitterly before making a few cautious steps.He clears his throat and tenses when he feels his father's hand land on his shoulder.

''Son,'' and it shouldn't sound like a warning at all, except it does and Jackson feels his stomach tightening and his hands sweating as he clears his throat.

''I can't explain how grateful I am to have you in my life and how much I apriciate your help and all,''Jackson has a sudden urge to laugh, because quite frankly he hasn't done shit in over a year.That one time he stepped into the club building was when he needed Jinyoung to show him how to unlock his car when he had gotten a new security system.But his father wasn't senile nor was he dense.He was just playing pretend.It was all a game to make the majority believe that his only son is helping him out in his old days and doesn't lock himself up in his room with too many bottles of alcohol and less excuses to stay indoors each passing day.

But it's okay.He manages to put on a fake smile on his face, and it's a bit absurd how a grimace like that comes so naturally to him.Like he's been practicing it in front of a mirror for this particular occasion only.Which he didn't.Which he  _wouldn't._

He doesn't dare to meet his fathers eyes because he knows just what exactly he'll see in them.Disappointment, sadness, pity.And Jackson is too sober now to cope with all of that.So with a heavy sigh, he nods his head, squeezing his hands behind his back once and excepting the key his father gives him with shaking palms before he puts them into the pocket of his jeans.A little too fast, a little too frantic.

The room erupts with loud claps and cheers.With the corner of his eye, Jackson catches Youngjae raising his pink cup in the air with a knowing smile on his face because, just like Jackson, the younger knows knows that this starting from now will be an absolute hell.

-

Maybe it's the sudden enormous guilt he feels or the constant nagging at the back of his head by that annoying voice known as your consciousness that Jackson actually wakes up next morning at the crack of dawn and makes the decision to walk five blocks down to the self-defense club.Or maybe it's just the lack of alcohol in his system fucking up his train of though.

Either way, he feels like a corpse walking down the street with his cap turned backwards to hide his greasy hair and his black shades secured over his drowsy eyes. There are surprisingly a lot of people around him and a few cars passing by (his head calendar says it's Monday and that explains a lot of things since, unlike him, some people actually go to work willingly), and he drags one foot slowly after another and curses the crack in the concrete when he trips on it.

The club opens at seven and he's not startled to hear voices coming from the inside when it's already eight o'clock in the morning.Yes, It took him half an hour to drag his lifeless body five blocks down and now he's questioning his sanity and why he even bothered with it in the first place.

He walks in through double doors and the voices get louder with each step he takes.The first thing his tired eyes catch Is the group of kids, teenagers, and he vaguely remembers some of them when he actually used to stick around back in the day.For a moment, he takes a trip down the memory lane and sees himself learning new moves and trying to perfect the old ones, but shakes his head abruptly to chase those thoughts away

''Excuse me, do you need something?''

Jackson looks up and raises his eyebrow at the man whose slightly taller than him and slightly older, with a matching snapback over his head and a frown on his lips.Jackson smirks faintly taking a few steps forward because clearly, this is the new employee that Jinyoung has mentioned and he doesn't know who the hell Jackson is.

''Just came here to check if everything's in order.'' He pulls his hands out of his pockets to adjust his jacket and feels a bit of satisfaction when the employee's eyebrows knit in confusion.His gaze lingers a bit longer on the two moles under the man's left eyebrow.

''I'm not following...Who are you again?'' His voice is deep, Jackson notes, and full of confusion as he tells the kids to continue their ministration of the  _'underside take down'_.It's the wrong technique, Jackson also notices, but he doesn't say anything as he turns his full attention to the male standing before him with that same expression on his face.

''I could ask you the same thing.''Jackson plays dense and fights the urge to grin because of the way that the stranger's mouth open and close, then form a tight line.

''I asked first.'' There is an annoyed undertone to his words so Jackson finally settles with a small chuckle and pulls his hand out for a handshake.

''Wang Jackson, current owner of this shit hole.''

Stranger's face goes from annoyed, to shocked in a matter of seconds and Jackson is trying really hard to keep his amusement in check.

A warm hand touches his cold one and Jackson is startled by the unfamiliar tingling that he feels in his nerve endings but shakes it off without much thought.

''Shit! I'm sorry,'' the dark haired male says in a rush, giving his hand a firm squeeze which Jackson returns with equal force.'' Im Jaebum, I'm new here.'' He smiles and Jackson's smirk falls flat, the temperature in his body rising slowly.He quickly disconnects their hands, running a hand through his hair when he raises his cap to adjust it.Jaebum laughs awkwardly, the melodic sound of it buzzing in Jackson's ears suddenly so close and so clear that he has to take a step back.Luckily, Jaebum fails to notice it.

''Holy shit, what an awesome way to meet a boss, right?''Jaebum asks with a goofy grin on his lips, his eyes crinkling at the corners and Jackson...Well, Jackson has to look away because his head Is starting to throb intensely and his throat itches for something, anything, to make the situation more bearable.

Sensing Jackson's lack of response, Jaebun clears his throat ''So, how long have you been working here?'' His question is light and Jackson swallows, still very aware of the warmth on his palm and the drip of sweat that rolls down his neck.He takes of his jacket, dropping it over the bench.

He clears his throat before answering,''I helped my dad since I was sixteen, but legally began working when I turned eighteen.''  He casts a look at the group of kids that are still doing the same sloppy technique and he itches to stop them and make it right.Plus, he really needs an excuse to stop this conversation from going in the wrong direction.

''Everybody, stop.'' He shouts and the gym falls into a silence, all eyes fixed on him, including Jaebum's.

''You're teaching them wrong.''Jackson points out briefly and doesn't stick around to see that annoyed look returning to Jaebum's face.He goes to the pair of kids that were the closest and pulls the boy by his arm to stand closer to him.

''First, your posture is totally wrong.'' The boy stares at him, unsure of what to say or what to do.''You need to bend your knees more, see?''Jackson says, demonstrating the right position.

''You, with glasses, come here.And take those off you'll break them.Fuck, don't you kids know nothing about safety?'' The boy looks like he's about to piss his pants, but does as he is told and comes towards the pair.

''Put your right hand on his shoulder and your left leg between his legs.You are the attacker,''Jackson explains and watches with sharp eyes as the boy does so.

''Good.Now you,'' he addresses the other boy,''Take him by his elbow, and twist your right leg behind his left- yeah just like that,''Jackson nods approvingly and glances back at Jaebum who looks deep in though, his cheeks flushed lightly and tips of his ears also red.Jackson brings his attention back to the boys who look more than slightly uncomfortable in the given position.

''You, four eyes,bare the victim.'' The boy opens his mouth to protest at the rude nickname but shakes his head and turns back to look at his opponent, deciding it's best to just let it slide.

''Use your upper body strength to push his body on the ground and twist his ankle with your foot, like this.''Jackson pushes the boy away lightly so he can demonstrate, and in one swift movement he has the other boy pinned to the ground with a painful groan escaping his lips.Other kids widen their eyes as the kid below lets another huff of air.

''I think that's enoug-''Jaebum tries to say but Jackson shuts him up with a sharp, piercing gaze.

''You got it, kid?'' The boy nods, still partly star struck and Jackson's smile is full of satisfaction.''Good.Now you try.''

-

He is about a foot out of the club when a voice shouts his name.It feels slightly weird, hearing his name being called with an unfamiliar tone of a voice but he turns around and just as he had predicted, Jaebum is running towards him.

''Wow, seriously?''Jaebum says, only slightly out of breath.'' You could've just stopped the first time I yelled out your name, you know.'' He straightens up, fixing his tank top and Jackson doesn't follow the curve of Jaebum's collarbone with his eyes.He  _doesn't._

''Well, where's the fun in that?'' He smirks and puts his hands back in his jean pockets, titling his head up slightly because Jaebum has a few inches on him and Jackson is already used to people being taller than him.

_(''What's up shorty.'' Mark grins and ruffles Jackson's hair, placing a bag of Thai food on their kitchen table.Jackson slaps Mark's hand away and narrows his gaze._

_''Fuck off Tuan,'' he tries to run his fingers through his hair to put it back in its 'messy but not too messy of a hairstyle' because apparently, they don't own a fucking comb,'_ ''Yo _u're like two inches taller than me, big deal.''_

 _Mark chuckles, places the steaming food on the table, pushing away the containers that are probably going to stay there forgotten until Jackson's mom comes around and scolds them both for making a pig sty out of their house_.

_''Are you getting annoyed?'' He pokes Jackson's face with a chopstick before he digs them into bean paste noodles.Jackson feels the tips of his ears grow hot because he hates, absolutely hates, when someone picks on him cause of his height.It doesn't matter that the person is Mark and that he loves him._

_''I hate you.'' He mumbles, but his voice is weak and he stuffs his mouth with egg rolls before he can say anything else.Mark looks at him quizzically and drops the chopsticks in the plate.He pulls his chair closer to Jackson's, their knees touching under the table,their hands brushing and Jackson wants to pull away or tell him to go away, but he can't.Not when Mark lowers his head and plants a small kiss on the corner of his lips._

_''I'm sorry.'' Mark whispers, close to Jackson's ear, but more into his messy hair, placing a kiss there as well.Jackson makes a mistake of looking into those dark eyes that hold genuine repentance and he knows that he won't be able to stay mad for long.Not that he wanted to anyway._

_He nods his head curtly, patting Mark's cheek affectionately before kissing him on the lips softly.''I know you are.''_

_Mark smiles and Jackson feels a pang of guilt because Mark's obviously tired and there are dark circles under his eyes while he's acting like a spoiled brat here.He shakes of the negative feeling and pulls Mark in for another kiss by the back of his neck, this time more open,more lustful, more desperate._

_He sighs against the older male's lips when their tongues meet halfway, but he pulls away seconds later, small smile tugging at the corners of his lips._

_''You taste like noodles and my rolls are getting cold.''Jackson says and Mark only chuckles, taking his chopsticks again because he knows how much Jackson hates his food cold.)_

Jackson fixes his gaze at the male before him and begs his mind to focus and get out of the past.The past that was once so perfect and promising,but now it's just what it is. _Past._

''Anything you wanted or you just like running after your bosses?'' He tries to make a joke but it feels unnatural and weird and he suddenly wishes that he brought a small bottle of soju with himself to wash out the bitter taste from his mouth.You know, fighting fire with fire.

Jaebum's stare is blank for a moment and Jackson seriously thinks about turning around and walking away, when a flash of realization hits Jaebum.

''Oh yeah, I was wondering if you'd like to go out and have a coffee with me?'' He says and despite his efforts to sound confident,  he still ends up looking rather nervous that Jackson almost feels sorry for him.Almost.

He arches one of his eyebrows and gives flustered male a pointed look.

''You don't have to of course.''Jaebum waves his hands quickly in defense,''But I thought that you could like, I don't know, teach me some more about that technique since I obviously lack some skill.''

Jackson stares at him a bit longer than necessary.''Yeah, you lack a lot.'' He repeats like a parrot because he doesn't know what else to say.It's been a long time since he went on a date.He wants to slap himself over and over mentally because this isn't meant to be a date.More like a boss and employee going to get coffee and discuss the employee's lack of skill.Right? _Right_.

Jaebum waits for him to say something but he's obviously anxious, judging by the way he fiddles with the loose thread of his thank top.

''I can't decide if this silence is a good silence or a bad silence.''Jaebum says with a warm smile breaking onto his lips and Jackson just stares for a moment, dumbfounded because he didn't know that a person's teeth could be that white.He snaps out of his daze quickly and coughs awkwardly, his throat still aching.

''It's an okay silence,''Jackson fights the sudden urge to smile, because Jaebum's smiles are strangely contagious.''Lead the way.''

-

The coffee shop is too hot for his liking and smells like artificial coffee flavor (too much sugar, almost no coffee).Jaebum squirms in his seat and thanks the teenage male who brings their orders with a smile and an overly cheerful  _'Enjoy your drinks!'_ Jackson stares down at the pale brown liquid and wonders how the hell does someone call this a coffee.

''It's tasty,''Jaebum smacks his lips together and his tongue pokes out to lick the white foam at the corner of his mouth. (And once again,Jackson  _doesn't_ follow the motion with his eyes)

''Yours any good?'' He asks Jackson who quickly adverts his gaze back to the creamy liquid and for a strange reason he actually nods and lies.

''Yeah, it's good.''

''You haven't even tasted it yet.''Jaebum points out.

 _Well shit_ , Jackson thinks.

''I've had it before.'' Another lie slips past his lips and Jaebum believes him easily, nodding his head with a smile.

Awkward silence lingers in the air between them heavily and Jackson wants to become one with the chair he's sitting on.He can handle almost everything;Jinyoung's nagging, Youngjae puking all over his shoes, his mother's scolding, but not awkward silences.With that he can't deal.

''Thank you for stepping in today, I guess.''Jaebum slurps his drink, almost finished with the coffee.

''No biggie.''

The awkwardness is back again and it's crawling against Jackson's skin like a colony of ants that he just wants to shake off but isn't able to.He looks up at Jaebum from under his thick lashes to see the other male licking the end of his straw ungracefully, his dark eyes jumping to every corner of the room.

''Would you mind showing me some more moves?''Jaebum asks as he pays for both of their drinks even though Jackson's stayed untouched on the table.Jackson is a penny away from saying something along the lines of  _'Hell no, I'm not your private sensei or some shit'_ , but then he sees that slightly lost look in Jaebum's eyes and-

''Yeah, why not.'' He coughs again because his voice brakes on the last syllable and Jaebum grins so wide, Jackson thinks his face might break.

''Awesome, thank you.''

Jackson doesn't bother replying.

They step outside and the sun is shining so brightly, Jackson's eyes sting.He places his sunglasses over them again (because he isn't that douchebag with sunglasses indoors), and rubs his temples subtly.

They walk side by side and Jackson wants to ask Jaebum where he lives but bites the inside of his cheek instead.He absolutely doesn't want to know that.

''You don't really like coffee, do you?''Jaebum asks out of the blue, peering down at the male beside him and Jackson shakes his head, accelerating his pace.Jaebum chuckles and catches up to Jackson  again and Jackson doesn't look at his blinding grin secretly one more time.He  _doesn't_.

-

''The key is in legs,'' Jackson says about a week later when Jaebum and him are left alone in the self-defense club after the evening practice.Jackson hoped that the taller male would eventually drop the idea of 'tutoring', but to his dismay Jaebum only kept pressing the matter further.It had gotten to the point where Jaebum wouldn't even say ' _Hello'_ when he greeted him, but _'Hey, can you teach me more moves?'_ -and Jackson was starting to get irritated.

It became obvious that he won't be able to avoid the dark haired male forever and he decided that confronting the problem would be his best solution.

That's why they are here now, an arm distance between them, barefoot and slightly sweaty from the warm up.

Jaebum nods his head curtly, waiting for further instructions.

''You need to bend your legs, like this,''Jackson demonstrates and Jaebum mimics his movements like a mirror."Your dominant arm in my case my right one, comes up over your shoulder,'' and he does the exact thing he tells, only this time Jaebum doesn't move.Jackson continues.

''My left hand comes around your waist like this...''Jackson trails off when he places his hand on Jaebum's hip which brings them into a slightly uncomfortable position (at least for Jackson).He swallows thickly, trying to focus on the lecture rather than the soft cotton of Jaebum's black tank top and the heat of Jaebum's body radiating onto his palm.He flickers his eyes to Jaebum's and he regrets his action when a pair of soft, dark eyes meet his own.

For a moment he just stops and forgets.

Forgets that they are still in a public building and that someone could walk in anytime.Forgets that he is Jaebum's boss and that Jaebum is his employee.Forgets that he didn't have physical contact with another male this intimately for almost a year and he almost forgets about a mess of red hair and cheerful smile and instead focuses on two moles and a few strands of black hair that fall into Jaebum's eye.

It may be his mind playing nasty tricks on him, but Jackson thinks that Jaebum actually  _leans_  in, his lips parted, eyes narrowed and dark.So, so dark.

Jackson swallows again, his Adam's apple bobbing and his throat burns out of habit to be filled with something bitter, something strong.Something that'll make him forget everything, completely.

''And then what?''Jaebum asks, his voice low and disastrous, sending an unwanted shiver down Jackson's spine.It's an opening, Jackson knows it well; he can take it, if he wants it.And maybe he really does want to lean in and have a small taste of the forbidden fruit but he doesn't.He _can't_.At least not when there's still a picture of a smiling Mark craved deep into his memory.

That particular realization hits him hard, like a punch in the gut and he locks his ankle tightly behind Jaebum, flipping the older male over onto the ground, caging that lean, masculine body with his own.

Jaebum lets out a small groan that shakes Jackson to the core and looks up at his attacker through his thick black fringe.There's a mix of confusion and embarrassment in Jaebum's black orbs and Jackson looks away for a second, taking a deep breath and only hopes that Jaebum can't feel his hands trembling.

The new position isn't anything less intimate,with Jackson's knee between Jaebum's legs, his weight pushing Jaebum further into the laminated floor and his hands, one on the side of Jaebum's head and the other on Jaebum's solid torso.

He clears his throat slowly.''Did you get that or do I need to repeat it?'' He asks, voice a little colder, a bit emotionless and hopes with his whole heart that he doesn't have to go through this  _thing_  again.

Jaebum blinks once and then he blinks again like he is trying to bring himself back in reality.He shakes his head frantically, eyes slightly wider than they used to be.''N-No.'' He stutters and Jackson fights the sudden urge to run his fingers through Jaebum's hair because,  _damn_ , it looks really soft and shiny from his point of view.

''No.'' He repeats, this time much firmer, ''Got it.'' He gets up when Jackson loosens his grip.

The awkwardness settles above their heads like a grey cloud that's ready to start pouring rain any second.Jackson dusts his sweatpants off even though there is hardly any dust on them and Jaebum scratches awkwardly behind his neck (it's a habit of his, Jackson notes vaguely).

''I'm gonna-''Jackson points to the door with his thumb and Jebum snaps his head up, looking at Jackson.

''Yeah, um, me too.'' He says, slightly breathless.

Jackson makes sure to pick up his stuff quickly, opposed to Jaebum who's moving like a sloth while he tries to zip up his duffle bag.Jackson looks at Jaebum with the corner of his eye and shakes his head, letting out an audible sigh.

He leaves the room before the cloud over his head starts pouring.


	2. Chapter 2

Jackson silently hopes that the burn going down his throat will magically erase everything (the ache in his legs,the ache in his arms the ache in his heart) and he's disappointed,but not necessarily surprised when he wakes up with yet another hangover pounding behind his temples and a horrible feeling of guilt settling in the pit of his stomach.

(Later that day,he flushes that same feeling down the toilet,along with some fried chicken he ate the previous night.)

They almost don't talk at all,if you exclude a few times when Jaebum asked Jackson where does something go.They've fallen back into the same boring routine of practice and work and Jackson isn't quite sure if he should be doubtful or relieved.Eventually,he settles for the latter but doesn't drop his gaze to the ground when Jaebum smiles at him again.

-

''Do you want to come to my place after the practice and watch a movie?''

The question falls so easily from Jaebum's lips,no stuttering and no hesitation that Jackson has to pause his forehead wiping and look at him while thousand questions immediately pass through his head; _Is it safe to go there?;Maybe he's a psyhopath;Will he chop my body to pieces and feed it to his cat?_

''Do you have a cat?''Jackson finds himself asking,biting the inside of his cheek subtly moments later because, _shit_ ,that wasn't meant to come out.Jaebum gives him a puzzled look.

''Nope,no cat,'' He chuckles, slinging the duffle bag over his shoulder,''I do have a dog thought, Charlie.Likes to pee on my couch from time to time,but overall he's a sweetheart.''Jackson snorts and tries not to think how utterly unattractive that noise was.

''So,you coming?'' There's a glint of hope in Jaebum's eyes and Jackson can't find it in himself to decline the offer.

''Okay.But I do hope you have a lot of hot water.We both smell like shit.''Jackson can't hide the amusement in his voice as he makes his way out,smiling Jaebum following close behind.

-

There is a pair of sweatpants,a black tank top,and a pair of fresh boxers waiting for him on the bed when he exits the bathroom.He tries not to feel a certain amount of intimacy as he puts the clothes on himself.

Jaebum's clothes.

His hair is still wet,a few droplets of water cascading down his neck and soaking his (Jaebum's ) shirt.A distant memory knocks on the door of his mind so loud,and so vivid that he simply cannot ignore it.

 _(Mark walks out of the bathroom,skin on his fingertips still wrinkled,hair still damp,his moral covered with nothing more than a white towel that’s hanging loosely around his narrow waist.He looks up at Jackson,who is lying on the bed_ _through his wet bangs and Jackson arches his eybrow in question when he spots a smirk on Mark's pink lips_

_''Do you have any clothes I can borrow?'' He rubs another towel over his hair and hisses at the water droplets travelling down the curve of his spine.Jackson gets up from the bed with an eye roll and mumbles something similar to, ''No,I usually go commando,'' before he passes the steamy bathroom and enters the large closet followed by Mark's amused chuckle.He pulls out a pair of boxers and an old tee with washed out Superman's logo that's probably going to be too big on Mark._

_The red haired male is sitting on the edge of the bed,wiping his hair in circular motion,when Jackson throws the clothing articles in his face._

_''Yah,''Jackson says,''You're getting my bed wet.'' His eyebrows furrow as he places the flat of his palm on the white sheets that are,indeed,soaked.Mark grins broadly,showing of his white teeth and glances up at his lover,eyes full of mirth._

_''Guess your bed likes me then.''_

_He laughs when Jackson hits his bicep halfheartedly and goes into the bathroom again to put on the clothes.Jackson 'tsks',but decides to give up on trying to dry the sheets.He hears the sound of running water,muffled by the walls and it feels familiar,comforting even._

_He lays back on the bed,already dressed in boxers and a t-shirt of his own,when he feels his eyelids becoming heavy.He fights the urge to close them because he really,really wants to see Mark in that Superman tee,but the pressure becomes too much and he finally lets them drop.He is still able to hear the faint sound of door opening and closing with a soft click and the room falls into darkness.The bed dips beside him a few seconds later and he shifts half asleep to embrace a warm body in his arms._

_Hair that smells like strawberry and vanilla shampoo tickles his nose and he pushes it out of the way with his fingers making the male beside him chuckle._

_''Like my new shampoo?'' Mark asks,his voice low,vibrating against Jackson's neck and soothing him further into sleep._

_''Makes me sneeze.''Jackson mumbles grumpily,running a hand through Marks's now partly dry hair that’s so soft and fluffy that he has to do it again and again and again,until Mark's breath is evening out against his collarbones._

_''Babe?'' Mark shifts beside him,his hair once again tickling Jackson's nose making the younger male groan in frustration and no matter how much he loves the redhead,he's ready to kick him out of the bed and make him sleep on the couch if he doesn't shut up.''Did you take out the trash like I asked you to?''_

_Jackson wraps his arms tightly around Mark and buries the other male's head in the crook of his neck,''Love you.'' He says cheekily and Mark snorts before he kisses Jackson's neck tenderly.)_

It hits Jackson  _hard_.So hard that he doesn't even notice that he's sitting on the cold floor,his back against the bed and his vision blurred by the unshed tears.He wipes them furiously with the back of his hand and takes a deep, ugly breath that brakes in half as he exhales.

He is so angry and frustrated and tired;so fucking tired of feeling these shitty feelings and recalling those memories that he simply can't throw away from his mind.He doesn't want to feel the dull ache and agonizing pain every time he sees something that triggers the memory.He doesn't want to be constantly reminded that he doesn't have Mark in his life anymore.No one does.Maybe heaven in the best case scenario.

Another sigh,this time much more calmer and collected slips past his lips and he waits a couple of moments before he stands up and enters the bathroom to wash his face with cold water.He sees his reflection in the mirror and yes,he looks like a car had ran over him. Several times.Dark circles are past the point of slightly noticeable,now almost purple underneath his red eyes and his whole facial expression screams  _'I've just cried in your bedroom for five minutes and almost broke your ugly orange lamp in the moment of self-destruction.'_

However,he decides to suck it up for Jaebum's sake (which is weird since he gave up on caring for other people's feelings ages ago),he slaps his cheek,subtle sting there to remind him where he is-which is in the  _present_.Deffinitely not  _past_.

When he comes down the stairs and enters the living room,Jaebum looks up with excitement in his eyes and a small smile that falls flat upon seeing Jackson's monotone expression.He swallows and glances at the two cans of soda on the table before he looks back at Jackson who is making his way to the couch.

''I forgot to ask what you wanna drink,so I grabbed two cans of Coke.''Jaebum offers another smile,this time much tighter around the edges and not quite reaching his eyes.Jackson wants to ask for something else (something illegal if you're under the age of 21) but he only gives a curt nod,before he settles next to Jaebum.

There is a brief moment of silence in which they both take a sip from their cans and even if Jaebum notices Jackson's red,puffy eyes,he doesn't mention it.

''I also didn't know if you're hungry,but I kind of am,so I ordered some Thai.I hope that's fine with you.''

Jackson swallows thickly,pretending that the fizz of the drink is the bitter taste of vodka,but the sweetness that comes after breaks the illusion.

_Present._

''Thai sounds good.''Jackson clears his throat and does his best to offer the least fake looking smile he can master without practicing it in the mirror beforehand.Charlie whimpers from his spot on the carpet,feeling neglected without all the attention being on him at the moment.Jaebum mumbles something about him being  _'a spoiled little shit'_ ,but opens his arms anyway and calls the white dog over to settle on the couch between them.

Charlie tilts his head,staring at Jackson with his innocent,deep brown eyes and Jackson feels that the dog somehow understands his misery.That's why he takes another gulp of his soda and pats him on the head affectionately,ignoring his trembling hands.

-

''So she is hundred miles away,but he screams her name anyway?''Jackson asks in disbelief after they finish watching the movie.''And she even hears him.What kind of bullshit is that?''

Jaebum smiles,not taking his eyes off the screen and Jackson instinctively glances to watch final credits roll away.

''I think it's kind of romantic actually,'' he catches Jaebum turning his head with the corner of his eye and feels his hard gaze burning the side of his cheek.''Plus,it's a fantasy movie.Abnormal shit is bound to happen.''

Jackson doesn't look at him even when the screen goes completely black.He shrugs,''It's stupid.''

Jaebum lets out a huff of breath that resembles a chuckle and throws his head back on the arm rest.This time Jackson does look and sees how sleepy Jaebum actually is,eyes drowsy,eyelids heavy over them,but his mouth still stretched into that lazy smile.

''So you,Wang Jackson,wouldn't scream your lovers name if she were able to hear you,even from miles away?''Jackson's jaw muscles tense up and he drops his gaze on the grey sweat pants (Jaebum's.)

Oh,how he  _screamed._

Screamed until his throat was on fire and he wasn't able to form another word for three days straight.Screamed while throwing and braking meaningless,and sometimes meaningful things (like his mother's china plates,lying easily through his teeth later that he had lost them in the process of moving out).Screamed until he couldn't handle the horrible pain mentally,so he took it out physically (hence the giant hole in his bedroom wall,that has yet to be fixed.)

He sometimes still screams however,with his face buried deep into the pillows or with a fist in his mouth;and it feels so good just to take it all out before the negative feelings pent up and break him over and over again.

So yeah,he knows how it feels to scream someone's name,only in his case that particular person will never hear him and his screams will forever remain trapped between the four walls of his bedroom.

''He.''Jackson murmurs,his voice hoarse and his throat stinging lightly.Jaebum pauses and the lazy smile on his face drops.

''Sorry?'' He asks,propping himself on the elbows.Jackson swallows the suffocating lump in his throat and looks past the slight dampness of his eyelashes.

''if  _he_  were able to hear me.''

Jaebum's eyes narrow in obvious confusion,but then there is a glint of realization flashing through them and he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth.He sits up facing Jackson properly and Jackson wonders if it's too late to ask for that damn vodka.

''So you...you mean...you-'' He starts,unsure how to ask such a question with minimal awkwardness form both sides.Jackson beats him to it though.

''Yes,'' He says and a sad smile settles on his lips,''I would most definitely scream.''

-

When Jackson looks at the clock,he almost does a double take as he sees that it's already half past midnight.He adverts his gaze from the TV that’s playing a pointless reality show which Jaebum seems to be enjoying.

Charlie is draped over his lap,Jaebum's hand running over the dog's thick fur.They don't speak of Jackson's  _confession_ further and Jackson is more than grateful for that (surprisingly,his chest feel a little less heavy).Jaebum laughs and slaps Jackson's forearm to bring his attention to the TV.Jackson frowns and hits him back.He catches Jaebum's lips curl upwards subtly.

It's refreshing,Jackson thinks as he stares at Jaebum's hand that's almost hypnotically combing through Charlie's white fur,how he can suddenly feel so comfortable in someone's company without any alcohol in his system.

''Wanna stay the night?''Jaebum asks,still not separating his eyes from the illuminating screen,''I don't have a guest bedroom,but I do have a pretty large bed and we can,like,put pillows between us or something,since it's already late and I don't want you going home alone at this hour.'' He says it all in one breath and Jackson is actually impressed with the capacity of Jaebum's lungs.He lets the fact that Jaebum has his own car but is obviously too lazy to drive him back slide since he's pretty lazy himself to get up from this particularly comfy couch.

''I mean you don't have to-''

''Yeah,sure.'' He croaks,almost completely used to Jaebum's blinding grin by now.Before Jackson can utter another word,Jaebum is jumping on his feet and yelling,''For fuck's sake Charlie,not on the couch again!''

-

They lay on Jaebum's _pretty large bed,_ that honestly isn't that large so they don't have any room to put pillows inbetween without someone's ass hanging half off the bed.The only barrier is the air that shifts slightly and becomes much harder to breath in,despite all the windows in the bedroom being open.

Jackson lays still on his back and stares at the ceiling.He hears Jaebum breath evenly through his nose,but he knows that the other male isn't asleep yet.He wonders how it all came to this-with him in some stranger's bed (even though Jaebum couldn’t be classified as a stranger anymore),with the said male himself sleeping an elbow away from him.

It's been so long since he felt the warmth of another body this close to his own and too many sleepless nights with one side of his bed warm and the other as cold as the snow in January.So you can't really blame him when he scoots closer,slightly hesitant,to that source of warmth and closes his eyes.

The bed dips and he holds his breath when he feels Jaebum's stare back on his profile.But that's not the only thing he feels.Suddenly,Jaebum's shoulder is touching his own and Jaebum's hip is pressed to his own and Jaebum's warm breath is so close to his cheek that Jackson simply can't move.He lays there frozen,feeling the heat travel through his body in waves and his heart rhythmically beating in his ears.

''It's okay,''Jaebum says in a whisper and Jackson feels that there is more to that sentence than his sleepy,sober mind can process,''I would probably scream too.''

Jackson has a hard time falling asleep after hearing that.

-

He wakes up but there is no sunshine seeping through the blinds.The room is in a complete darkness.For a moment he panics and pats the space beside himself.It's empty and cold.The disappointment showers him in a familiar wave of sadness but he pushes it deep down and props himself on the elbows.He blinks.

As his sleepy mind starts to clear up,he remembers everything.Jaebum's house.Jaebum's clothes.Jaebum's room.Jaebum's smile.Jaebum's presence.Jaebum's bed.

He jerks up in a sitting position and runs a hand through his messy bed hair with a deep sigh.He looks around himself,his eyes used to the darkness by now and he stands up to pull up the blinds,finally letting the rays of sun in.The room is the same one he feel asleep in last night.Wide wardrobe on the wall opposite of him,small bathroom in the corner,a pile of dirty clothes in the hamper,a stack of alternative rock CD's on the bedside table and very nice (and expensive) looking guitar in the corner.Jackson wonders if Jaebum actually plays or if it's just for the decoration.

Everything in the room indicates that a young male in his twenties lives in it.Everything is there,excpet for the man himself.

Jackson exits the room and follows the sound of pots and plates clanking against each other and the unmistakable smell of coffee.Real,black coffee.He fastens his steps,stomach growling not even remarcably satisfied with a bit of Thai food from yesterday.

He is pleasantly surprise when he walks into the kitchen and sees Jaebum cooking.Without a shirt on.

He stops dead in his tracks and just stares at Jaebum's back muscles that flex and stretch when he stirs something or reaches out to grab something.Jackson really can't help his own eyes that travel across Jaebum's skin,catching a glimpse of a few sweat drops that slide down the older male's back until they reach the edge of his sweatpants that hang dangerously low around his hips.

He swallows,his throat suddnely so dry that it actually hurts.

Pleasant smell spreads all around him and he moves closer.Unfortunately,still uncoordinated with his moves,he trips and knocks a bowl with his hand sending it straight to the ground.The noise startles Jaebum and he turns around,his dark eyes wide as he first looks at Jackson who's slowly standing up with bowl in his hand than back at it's consistency spilled all over the floor.

''Was that something important?''Jackson asks,lowering his gaze and hating how Jaebum is looking at him.When he raises his head up and their eyes meet,Jaebum is grinning from ear to ear.Jackson still doesn't understand how someone can smile so much and be happy all the time.Even in the morning.

''It was a part of our breakfast,'' he chuckles before cursing and turning around to stir something that was in the pan.''Take the rag from the counter and clean it up,will you?''Jackson nods,slapping himself mentally because,obviously,Jaebum isn't able to see him.He silently takes the yellow rag and starts cleaning the mess he made.

Even then,he still can't help but let his eyes wander over Jaebum's wide shoulders and straight,mascular back.He spots a tattoo on Jaebum's left upper arm,and it looks like some kind of a quote but Jackson can't quite read it.

''When there’s will,there’s a way.''

Jackson snaps his head up quickly only to be met with Jaebum smirking.The other male has his head turned slightly to the side,just enough so he can look at Jackson over his left shoulder while he's still steering the food in the pan.Jackson gives him a bewildered look at which Jaebum laughs shortly.

''The tattoo.I saw you looking at my arm so I though you wondered what it meant.'' He turns back around.

Jackson blinks a few times and feels his cheeks heating up.He hates that feeling of hottness on his cheeks and it takes him by surprise how easily he blushes all of a sudden.It hasn't happened in years,not even when Mark was-

''I never thought you were into that inspiring quote shit.''Jackson can't help but make a remark as he stands up and throws the rag back on the counter.It needs to be washed as soon as possible.Jaebum looks at him for a moment,his gaze strong like he's trying to read Jackson's mind and Jackson pretends that he's looking at the designs on the plates.

''I was sixteen,cut me some slack.''Jaebum's back to his smiling self again but there is an unreadable spark in his dark eyes that doesn't go unnoticed by Jackson.A cup of coffee resting on the counter steals the younger male's attention and he takes a sip without hesitation.The warm,bitter taste spreads all over his mouth and he enjoyes how it washes over his taste buds in the most comforting of ways.It's been long since he drank  _real_  coffee.

''I thought you didn't like coffee.''Jaebum retorts matter of factly,turning off the burner and taking of the pan that's still sizzling.Jackson shrugs and takes a seat on one of the bar stools as Jaebum fills their plates with,Jackson only then notices,scrambled eggs.

''I like real coffee.Not that sugary crap they sell in shops.''

Jaebum nods like he understands,not taking his eyes off the eggs as he chops some vegetables and places them on the plate too.Jackson thinks it's funny how he tries to make something so simple look fancy,but when he takes a bite his taste buds go crazy and his mouth waters.Jaebum notices his expression and smirks knowingly.

''Delicious,huh?''

Jackson doesn't want to give him the satisfaction so he just nods and plays it cool,''It's okay.''

Jaebum doesn't look the least offened and only grinns smugly taking a bite of his own.

Silence envelops them,but it's not awkward at all.If anything,it's quite comfortable and needed.Jackson really enjoys the meal and he tries to eat it slowly and savor the taste of it,but he pretty much ends up stuffing his face with eggs which only further proves Jaebum's victory.

''Do you have more tattoos?''Jackson asks,swallowing the last bite before he takes the mug in his hands.The coffee isn't that warm but it's still black and bitter.Just the way he likes it.

Jaebum chews slowly and Jackson feels like an idiot for finishing his meal in five minutes,''I do have one more,but it's in a private place.'' His smile is mocking and boyish.Jackson chokes on his black coffee but he covers it up with a cough,putting a hand over his mouth.He looks at Jaebum who is laughing his ass off on the other side of the counter,clearly enjoying Jackson's stunned expression.

''Motherfucker.''Jackson mumbles through gritted teeth and puts the mug down,wiping his lips.

''No but seriously,I do have one more tattoo.''

''Let me guess,''Jackson raises his index finger and leans a little bit over the counter,''Follow your heart,but take your brain with you.'' He says, his voice flat and bored.

Jaebum throws his head back in laughter and the melodic sounds bounces off the walls in the kitchen,''That's actually good.Maybe you should do that.'' He says matter of factly.

Maybe he should.But then,a lot of situations like this one would have been avoided and he isn't sure if he's okay with that.He is so used to what his brain has to say that he doesn't even know if his heart is still in function.But it is,and it's beating faster than ever in a long time.

-

''You've been hanging out with that Jaebum guy a lot lately.''Jinyoung points out when him and Jackson are sitting on Jackson's balcony,looking at the busy street ahead of them.It's almost the end of June and even though the sun is setting down behind the tall skyscrapers,stuffy heat is still present in the air surrounding them.Ocassionaly there is a gust of wind that dries sweat on their skin.

Jackson glances at his friend with the corner of his eye,bringing the beer bottle (his second one) to his lips.He,of course,doesn't miss Jinyoung's wary gaze directed at the drink in his hand,but is simply so used to it that he barely pays any attention anymore.

''And if I do? I don't see any of that being your concern.''Jackson's voice is normal,not even raised slightly and he takes a large gulp of the cold beer,feeling somewhat relaxed as it passes down his throat.Jinyoung's lip curls up slightly,but Jackson misses it,his gaze focused on the sky that is painted in a mixed tones of orange,purple and red.He gets lost in a beautiful scenery for a moment almost forgetting about his firiend that is sitting opposite of him,now with a large grin plastered on his face.

''Why are you smilling like that?''Jackson asks,looking at him quizzically.

''No reason,''Jinyoung quickly coughs and covers his lips with the back of his hand,''It's nice that you,uh,found someone.'' He says those words cautiously,measuring Jackson's reaction carefully with his eyes.

Jackson's lips form a tight line,his gaze adverting to the rim of the bottle,then to the sky that is becoming darker and darker by each passing second,and finally landing on the abandoned cigarrete in his ashtray.

''He's a collegue,''He says in a bored tone,like he is already tired from explaining the same thing many times even though it's the first time they are having a conversation like this.The first time they are having any kind of conversation in a long time.''I'm helping him out with the job.He lacks a lot,you know that.''

Jinyoung can't help but smile again,rubbing his right arm with his left while casting a glance at the busy street,''He's a person,Jackson.Not me,not Youngjae,not your dad.''

Jackson wants to ask him what the hell he means by that and that yes,Jaebum is a person made out of blood and flesh but then Jinyoung gives him one of those sad looks full of compassion and Jackson feels that annoying lump in his throat forming again.

''He's not Mark.''Jinyoung says.

Jackson closes his eyes because those words still have a frighteningly large impact on him.They scretch his skin uncomfortably,sink deep between his bones and he feels the pain physically shaking every cell in his body.He doesn't know why it still hurts so damn much but he wants it to stop.

There are good mornings when he wakes up without a hangover and that horrible ache in his chest is somewhat barable so he foolishly thinks that maybe he'll be able to carry on with the day normally.

And then,there are bad mornings when he wants nothing more than to stay in bed until the next sunrise and just stare at that one picture,despite his eyes stinging and pleading for some sleep.In those mornings,his best friend is always there for him.Not Jinyoung,not Youngjae,but a fresh,full bottle of an anonymous liquor that changes from time to time depending on his mood,and a few packs of cigars that are enough to get him through the day.Because in those mornings,it's always better to be drunk rather than sad.Even though there is a fine line between those two.

Jackson downs the rest of his drink in one go,takes the cigarette from behind his ear,lights it up and exhales deeply into the night that has finally fallen over the city.Jinyoung watches him with caution,his eyes holding a certain amout of guilt.He mentally curses himself for saying such a thing when the wounds are obviously still fresh.

Jackson coughs,and the small puff of smoke escapes his mouth.His eyes are red.''I'm really tired.''

Jinyoung nods silently and stands up from his chair.He's been friends with Jackson for a long time so he can clearly tell when he's unwanted.And right now he is very unwanted.Silently,he walks up to the balcony door,opens them and mumbles _'Goodnight,Jackson'_ , his voice getting lost somewhere in the starless night.

-

_(''Who is that?''Jackson nods his head over his left shoulder and Jinyoung follows with his eyes.His furrowed brows soon relax and the corners of his mouth twitch in a small smile._

_''Oh,you mean Mark,'' He says that name full of pride like he knows something Jackson doesn't.And he probably does.''He moved here from Taiwan with his mom a few weeks ago.We have Art together.Pretty cute,right?''_

_Jackson rolles his eyes and peers at Jinyoung,''Aren't you straight?''_

_''Confused.''_

_Jackson only nods since he understands how that feels.He's been there once and it was hell.Good thing he's out of it now._

_Jackson tries to examine the other male subtly over his can of soda as he takes a sip.He has slightly reddish hair,roots brown and he's quite tall and lean.He isn't able to see his face perfectly but he notes that the boy has a nice jaw structure and full pink lips._

_Jackson licks his lips subcounciously._

_''Do you think he plays for the G-team?''Jackson squints and takes a sip from the can,feeling the fizzines bite his tongue.Jinyoung lifts his head from the history textbook and raises an eyebrow._

_''Dunno.He might,'' He shrugs,flipping the page,''He has that kind of an ass made for worshiping.''Jackson sees Jinyoung stare dreamily into the other male's backside.He grins and shakes his head,utterly amused._

_''Park,you're definitely gay.'')_

_***_

**Quod in corde sobrii,id in lingua ebrii.** _(What lays on a sober heart,spills from a drunken tongue_   _.)-Old Latin saying_

**July 29 th,2014**

He’s used to being close to Jaebum by now.He’s used to seeing the older male at least once in every two days and not feeling that same nervousness in the pit of his stomach.He is used to seeing Jaebum’s broad back and his arm muscles that flex every time he explains something to the group of kids that stare at him in awe.Especially teenage girls who look at him dreamily and Jackson wants to puke because he can practically see imaginary hearts flying around their hormone overfilled bodies.But he is used to it.

It’s kind of strange,feeling something similar to jealousy in the moments like that.Except it’s _not_ jealousy,Jackson knows that much.He doesn’t have the urge to make a nasty remark or to walk away out of the room or to pull Jaebum away from the crowd and kiss the absolute shit out of him.Because Jaebum isn’t his.And he isn’t  Jaebum’s.And it’s good that way,it’s cool.Jackson is sure he wouldn’t be able to go through the same thing over again.

It would be like putting a hand in a fire that burned your skin for the second time.

It always burns.

When the liquor passes down his throat,it burns.When the night falls and he lays in his bed,staring at the same picture for hours,it burns.When he wants to scream and yell but bites his tongue instead,it burns.

It used to burn more though.The pain was so great that he could feel it ripping his insides appart.He could feel it travelling through his veins,feeding his heart with misery and sorrow.

Now,the big fire inside of him died down into small flame that still burns,but not as much and not as frequent.It blossoms more when he is alone,in the darkness of his room,listening to repetitive music on  crappy music channels while the clock ticks away,reminding him that he should be asleep like every other human being.

But when it burns,there’s no sleeping.

And it’s not a new urge he feels in these times that makes him pick up his phone only to stare at the same name in his contact list for twenty minutes,less or more.He wants to press the green button,wants to hear that deep voice that’s been hunting his rare dreams.He wants it.He wants it so bad.

Fingers are twitching,gliding over the smooth surface of his phone,passing by the small crack on the screen and he feels like a fucking coward.He smiles bitterly to himself because it’s burninig again and he can’t even find it in himself to dwell on it any longer.He just wants to make it stop.

A second of courage.A second of just shutting the bad thoughts off.

‘’Hello?’’

There it is,that voice he’s been dying to hear.It’s just like he hoped it would be,low and thick with sleep.For a second he feels kind of bad for waking him up at (he checks the clock briefly biting his lip) 4am.

‘’Jackson are you okay?’’

Jackson’s heart aches a little,his chest squeezing because even though it’s almost dawn and everyone else would have probably told him to _fuck off_ ,Jaebum actually bothers to ask if he is _okay_.

Jackson worries his bottom lip between his teeth and tries to come up with a reasonable response,eventually saying the first thing that pops into his sleep deprived mind.

‘’Are you hungry?’’

There is a moment of silence on the other end.

‘’Kind of.’’ He hears a smile in Jaebum’s voice and can imagine him lazily grinning while he barely holds the phone to his ear with his eyes still closed.

‘’Do you want to like,I don’t know,come over?’’ He doesn’t know why he feels so nervous all of a sudden.Maybe he needs a drink.’’I  have some leftover pizza and a microwave.’’

Jaebum chuckles and Jackson feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand.

‘’Leftover pizza,huh?’’Jaebum repeats slowly,his voice followed by the sound of rustling sheets and bare  feet against the floor,’’I was hoping for something a bit fancier since you woke me up scaring me shitless,but I guess I can work with pizza.Pizza’s good.’’

Jackson simply decides to ignore the _‘scaring me shitless’_ part and rubs his stingy eyes with the back of his palm.’’Fuck you.Take it or leave it.’’

He hears more rustling.

‘’I’ll be there in fifteen.’’

And the line goes dead before Jackson can fully mutter, _’Drive carefully’._

_-_

Jackson is only half surprised when he opens the door and sees smiling Jaebum with a white dog in his arms.It’s a comical sight actually,since the dog is too large to be carried around like that and so fluffy that Jaebum  has to spit a few of the hairs to the side before he speaks.

‘’I brought Charlie along.Hope you don’t mind.’’Jackson shakes his head and makes room for Jaebum to walk inside,still carrying the dog.’’There’s a storm coming and he hates thunder.It just didn’t feel right to leave him alone, you know?’’

Jackson nods,despite not knowing at all.

He never really had a dog so he doesn’t know how it feels to take care of something.Someone.Another living being.There was actually one time when Youngjae had to go back to Mokpo for his sister’s wedding and he thought that it was smart to leave his cat to Jackson.All in all,those three days ended up being a total disaster with the cat scratching all of the Jackson’s furniture and peeing in every corner of the apartment until Jackson locked himself in his room and cried out of frustration for Youngaje to come home and save him from misery.Youngjae’s cat died two weeks later from the unknown circumstances.

His mom gave him a plant once.It died in the course of a week since it hadn’t been watered properly.

So yeah,the moral of the story;Jackson really sucked at keeping things alive.

‘’Why is it so hot in here,do you have a fan?’’Jaebum’s voice is somehow distant, traveling to Jackson’s ears and snapping him out of his bitter thoughts only when it becomes louder,calling out his name.Jackson’s suddenly so tired he feels he might fall asleep while still standing

‘’It died.’’Jackson’s voice is barely above a whisper.Jaebum’s head peaks from the inside of the room,eyebrow raised.’’It’s broken.’’Jackson corrects himself with a sigh and Jaebum nods,slightly hesitant.

‘’How do you live like this?’’Jaebum asks,wiping the sweat from his forehead before taking off his shirt.Jackson almost chokes on his spit.He doesn’t want to look,he really doesn’t,but Jaebum is just standing there,petting the damn dog and blowing in its face,smiling like a total idiot. Jackson’s heart beats a lot faster than he thinks it’s healthy.He feels short of breath,throat tightening,hands trembling.He  needs an escape before things get too out of hand.

‘’I’ll get us a drink.Want some?’’ His voice cracks and he licks his dry lips.Jaebum looks at him through messy  bangs and Jackson actually feels something inside of him crack.It scares him beyond belief but he can’t look away.The room feels so hot,like there is an open fire close to them.Jackson doesn’t understand, _doesn’t know_ ,anything anymore.He’s so unfamiliar with these kind of feelings.Well,any kind of feelings in general since he’s been keeping himself at bay for so long.

‘’Anything cold will work.’’Jaebum passes Jackson and the older male feels the heat of the other’s body,feels the hair stand at the back of his neck and his skin prickling. _This is bad_ ,he thinks as he swallows dryly. _Very bad._

The _burning_ is back.

Deep inside of him,but he feels it coming to the surface.It crawls beneath his skin,tight and uncomfortable,causing his body to tremble and itch.He hasn’t had a drop of alcohol for almost two weeks and he was actually proud of himself for coping so well.But he knows that he can’t get through this sober.

 _‘Why did you call him in the first place you retard?’_ His consciousness says and Jackson decides to  ignore it completely.

He glances from the kitchen to see Jaebum sitting on the couch looking around himself.In that moment,Jackson gives about two fucks for his dirty socks on the floor next to the coffee table and a spilled bean sauce on the carpet,couple of weeks old.Still,he lingers just for a second longer to see Jaebum smile and shake his head,seemingly amused.Jackson recalls that this is how it feels to be embarrassed.

‘’Hey,’’Jackson grimaces to himself at the way his voice wavers.He clears his throat,’’You up for something stronger?’’ He tries to grin but it probably comes out as another grimace.Jaebum doesn’t seem to notice and thinks it over.

‘’What do you have?’’

Oh,he has a lot.In fact,he has a special cabinet just for this guilty pleasure of his.You name it,he has it/had it,depending on how miserable he felt at the moment.Vodka,whiskey,wine,beer,gin&tonic and the list goes on.

‘’Just some vodka and a few cans of beer.’’ He shrugs casually,lies slipping easily from his lips.Jackson always found it easy to lie and he wasn’t proud of that habit but sometimes it came in handy.Especially when he had to say _‘’Don’t worry,I’m fine.It’s fine.’’_ Over and over again  until he started to believe it himself.Jaebum looks hesitant and Jackson starts tapping his foot impatiently because the burn is only getting worse.

‘’Yeah sure,beer sounds good.’’Jackson nods and takes out the can from the fridge.He thinks it’s smarter to take beer himself and maybe the burn will go away.But then,his hands are working by themselves as they pour a glass of vodka half full.He looks at the half full glass,then at the half full bottle and ads a bit more.

 _‘All of this will bite you in the ass you know that right?’_ His consciousness says and Jackson tells it to _fuck off._

_-_

Empty bottle of vodka stares at Jackson from the coffee table and he stubbornly stares back at it.For some reason, he feels like the clear liquid is laughing right in his face and his head spins, colors blurring in a fuzzy mess that leaves warmness in his stomach.

They’ve eaten the pizza cold since they were too lazy to heat it up.

Jaebum is tipsy.Jackson can tell by the light flush of his cheeks and the stutter of his words.Glossy eyes that are unfocused, but they still search Jackson’s gaze when Jaebum turns his head to the side and peers at the other male.Even through the haziness of his drunk mind Jackson still feels stripped naked and vulnerable under Jaebum’s gaze and it scares him.it scares him shitless.

Charlie jumps from the couch an knocks the fifth can of beer sending it to the floor, yellowish liquid spilling everywhere.

‘’Shit!’’Jaebum hisses through his teeth, standing up on his wobbly legs,’’Do you have a towel?’’ He asks, words rolling heavily over his tongue and it takes Jackson a minute to bring his world back into focus.’’Jackson?’’

‘’Huh?’’

‘’A towel.’’

Yes, a towel.A thing that’s used to clean up the mess.He has that somewhere in here.

 _‘_ ’Second cabinet in the bathroom.Left from the sink.’’ He closes his eyes and presses the back of the palm against his forehead.He feels Jaebum’s eyes on him and tries to ignore the urge to open his own and just stare.He never had a problem with holding someone’s gaze before.Drunk or sober.But the mare thought of seeing those piercing black eyes makes him shiver and rethink his urges.

Sound of footsteps echoes down the hallway getting quieter and quieter.There’s rumbling, smacking of wood against wood and after a few moments, the sound of footsteps is back, louder than ever ringing in Jackson’s ears.Jaebum trips on his own foot and giggles quietly.

‘’Hey,’’Jaebum’s voice is soft and somewhat tender as he gently slaps Jackson’s face with the towel when the other male doesn’t respond.’’Is this one okay? I picked up the first I saw.’’

The only thing that Jackson thinks in that moment is _‘Why is a person so polite even when drunk?_ ’

‘’It’s a fucking towel.You can wipe your ass with it for all I care.’’ He mumbles and feels a pang of warmness in his chest when Jaebum laughs, hoarse and melodic.

‘’Someone’s moody.’’

‘’My head is killing me.’’Jaebum stops the wiping and kneels in front of Jackson.Almost immediately, alarms in Jackson’s head go _‘abort,abort,danger!’_ and he really thinks about pushing the other male away but then warm, tentative hands are pressed on his forehead on both sides massaging it carefully.Jackson lets a content sigh.

It shouldn’t feel this good.

Jaebum completely ignores the beer soaking his jeans and gets behind Jackson on the couch, with the other male seated comfortably between his legs.

With the steady motion of Jaebum’s skilled fingers and his solid chest pressed against Jackson’s back, the shorter male feels himself being lulled into sleep.He doesn’t remember a time when he let his guard down like this, willingly, casually, almost to the point where it took no thinking at all, just letting go.

For a moment Jaebum’s presence vanishes like smoke blown by the wind and Jackson imagines a particular someone sitting behind him, his soft red hair tickling his ear and the smell of strawberry vanilla shampoo stinging his nostrills.The image gets vivid so fast that Jackson snaps his eyes open in panic, hand blindly reaching for his glass on the table, still quarter full of vodka.

A hand stops his.Fingers curl around his own and they’re warm and slightly sweaty.Jackson’s heart is beating so hard, he feels it may break his rib cage.Their hands are intertwined in a messy loop of slender fingers and cold metal rings that belong to Jaebum.Only to Im Jaebum.

‘’Don’t’’,Jaebum’s breath is ghosting over his ear and with the low yet stern tone it carries it reminds Jackson so much of a certain red haired male.Another memory is right there, ready to overtake his mind but then Jaebum’s forehead bumps against the back of his head, and Jackson forgets.

The memory burns down like a neglected cigarette in an ashtray.

‘’Who was he?’’

The question falls from Jaebum’s lips right into Jackson’s heart, like an arrow piercing through soft flesh.The silence that stretches all around them like a veil is heavy, suffocating.

Jackson stares at the hole in the wall before him, and feels his vision blurring.It’s the alcohol he tells himself.This time however, lying feels wrong and unwelcomed.Jackson lowers his head, letting out a shaky breath.

‘’Why do you say _was_?’’

Truth be told, he tells himself ‘ _was_ ’ all the time.

He _was_ happy.

He _was_ in love.

Mark _was_ alive.

Jaebum squeezes their hands that are still intertwined and runs his other hand through Jackson’s already messed up hair.

‘’Because nobody should destroy themselves like that for the sake of a living person.’’

Jackson breath hitches.His lungs are on fire.His eyes are burning.Everything is burning like hell and this time he doesn’t know if he can stop it.He submits to the feelings of pain, nostalgia and sadness that wash over him.

His whole body shakes while he stubbornly holds the tears back.Immediately, Jaebum’s hands are around him, squeezing him tightly from behind, bringing their bodies closer.He lays his head on Jackson’s shoulder and breaths out through his nose.

‘’It’s okay.’’

Jackson hates that phrase.Absolutely hates it with the whole of his pathetic being.

It’s not okay.He’s not okay.Mark’s not okay.

He starts trashing around, trying to free himself from Jaebum’s grasp but Jaebum holds him tightly against him.He struggles to break free, breath, block out every emotion he feels.

He expects Jaebum to leave, tell him that he has issues and that he should seek help, but Jaebum’s grip on him never loosens, his hands never retreat, his body heat never leaves Jackson.

Jaebum’s there.

Jaebum’s breathing against his shoulder.

Jaebum is _alive_.

Seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to half an hour.Half an hour of sitting in silence, still partly drunk and fully broken.Jackson is tired of this, physically and mentally.He wiggles out of Jaebum’s arms since the other male has loosened his grip a while ago, takes a cigarette from the pack and lights it up.

When he takes the drag, and nicotine fills up his lungs he knows he shouldn’t feel so relieved.He feels like he’s breathing again.Jaebum follows him with careful eyes, like he’s a broken piece of glass that might shatter on the smallest touch but strangely enough, Jackson doesn’t mind.

He goes across the tiled floor to open a window and lean against it.

He looks over his shoulder at Jaebum and the other male gets a hint,  joining him a few seconds later.They don’t say a single word, just look ahead of themselves into the starless night sky that’s covering the busy city.Lights are shining everywhere and there, on the horizon is a small patch of light, painted orange.The sun is ready to awaken.

Jackson nudges Jaebum’s side with his elbow and offers him a drag from his cigarette which Jaebum eyes skeptically at first, but then takes between his lips.He coughs a little and for the first time since in forever, Jackson smiles genuinely.It’s nothing much, but the tug of his lips is still there and it stays through Jaebum’s second coughing fit.

‘’This is not for me.’’ The taller male says and leans on his elbows to gaze at the city.Jackson shamelessly looks at Jaebum’s profile, his long lashes that flutter ever so often,the curve of his nose, his full lips.

He takes another long drag from the cigarette.

He’s almost completely sober by now,and he can tell that Jaebum is too.There is still slight haziness in his mind but he doesn’t think it’s from alcohol.There’s an awfully bitter taste in his mouth and his tongue feels heavy when he tries to speak.Voice hoarse and raspy,throat aching.

‘’Mark.’’ He croaks, voice breaking pathetically.It sounds so strange to say that name out loud after so many months.Jaebum looks at him quickly, his lips slightly parted.

‘’His name was Mark.’’Jackson blows the smoke past his lips and rubs his itching nose with the back of his hand.Jaebum closes his mouth and nods.A silent plea for Jackson to continue.

‘’We met when we were sophomores in high school.’’ He glances at Jaebum quickly,’’And yes, it was as awkward at first as it sounds.’’

Jaebum chuckles while Jackson smiles and presses the finished cigarette down against the windowsil.

‘’He was an exchange student from Taiwan and I was an idiot who barely passed his classes.My friend Jinyoung, you know him he works with us, introduced us to one another in one of the parties. Cliché right?’’

Jaebum shakes his head,’’Convenient.’’

‘’Fuck you,’’Jackson says but his tone is light.’’Anyway, he called me a douche when I asked him if he fell from heaven and slapped me so hard when I tried to kiss him that night that I felt my whole world spinning.’’

Jackson smiles like a fool at the memory and Jaebum smiles because Jackson’s smile is like the sun raising on the horizon before them.

‘’So I guess that my world has been spinning since the moment I’ve met him.’’Jackson’s smile fades away and he turns his head to look at Jaebum.’’And it still hasn’t stopped.’’

Jabebum looks down at his hands and swallows thickly.

Jackson lights another cigarette, but this time around doesn’t offer it to Jaebum.

‘’How did-?’’

‘’Car crash,’’Jackson says in a heartbeat.He’s brain has been on auto pilot every time he needed to confirm or confront that fact.’’Almost a year ago.Busted fence.Rain.A whole load of shit.’’ His head falls in his hands but the cigarette is still burning.Jaebum wants to take it away but something is holding him back.Jackson raises his head with a frown.

‘’You know what’s the most fucked up thing in all of that?’’

Jaebum keeps his mouth shut.

‘’I didn’t want to drive him because I was a lazy fucking ass.I let him drive my car alone in the deaf time of the night while there was a storm outside.’’ His voice raises by each passing word,’’I let him die.’’

When he turns around his eyes are red and puffy and his lips are trembling.

‘’Fucking hell.’’ He spits and runs his hands through his hair.’’It was all my fault.’’

Jaebum wants to say something,but no words seem to be coming out.He could go with the generic _‘Of course it’s not your fault.How could’ve you known?’_ , but something tells him that hearing those words fixes nothing.

Jackson has his head in his hands, second cigarette burned down to ashes by his side.The sun that finally rose on the sky casts its rays shyly on Jackson’s hair making it appear golden.The moment is so tender and venerable that Jaebum feels he might ruin it with a single intake of a breath so he holds it in as much as possible while he looks at the male beside him.

When Jackson raises his head to look at him straight in the eye Jaebum feels the remaining oxygen being knocked right out of his lungs.The amount of sadness Jackson holds in his black orbs is almost unbelievable.Jaebum tries to say something, desperately tries to somehow comfort the other but his lips are sealed.

Jackson lets out a sigh and shakes his head to himself.In the distance, Jaebum hears a car honk loudly, but it’s just a background noise drowned out by his heart drumming loudly in his ears.

‘’You can go if you want, I’m tired anyway.’’Jackson pinches the bridge of his nose and checks his pack of cigarettes that’s already empty.He mumbles out a curse and throws the small box through the window.He looks at Jaebum.

‘’Seriously,you can g-‘’

Jaebum kisses him.

He makes that decision as soon as he sees Jackson’s bloodshot eyes and his bitten lips, that are a matching shade of crimson.He kisses Jackson because the lack of words is killing him and he wants to do something, anything to share his pain.He kisses with empty hope to make Jackson forget everything that makes him sad and sorrowful.He kisses him because he cares.He cares a lot.

The kiss is nothing more than a press of lips at first and Jackson just stands, frozen.Jaebum feels the steadiness of everything.There’s no movement around them.Zero sounds.Just Jackson and his soft, salty lips that taste like cigarettes and cheap vodka.

Then, much to his surprise, Jackson puts a hand on his nape and yanks him forward, pressing their lips more firmly.Jaebum lets out a startled noise, but doesn’t pull away.

The way that Jackson holds him has him weak by the knees.It’s bitter and toxic, the most sinful pleasure overpowering his body.Like a drug flowing through his veins.He feels high, intoxicated.

Their noses bump against one another, teeth biting into swollen, red lips, lungs burning with the lack of oxygen.It’s all so aggressive.Jackson’s grip on his hips is tight and his hands are cold when he sneaks them under Jaebum’s shirt to feel his hard stomach.Jaebum’s whole body quivers.

He’s afraid to pull away.Afraid of the reaction he might get from the other male when the haziness clears up and leaves just them in a moment like this, comfronted eye to eye without a way out.Because this is pure desperation.

Jackson’s desperate to forget, to move on, to stop the pain and Jaebum is desperate to give that to him.

Jackson’s hands are cupping Jaebum’s face as he kisses him hard and deep, making the taller male’s head spin.Jaebum pushes forward, pressing Jackson against the wall and himself against Jackson’s warm body.He tangles his hands in Jackson’s hair and finds it incredibly soft to the touch.

Jackson pulls away first, letting out a small gasp.

They pant hard, breaths mingling together, lips on a mare distance from one another.

They don’t look at each other’s eyes because it’s too much.Everything that happened is too much, too soon.

But still, Jaebum has zero regrets.

The only regret he has is not meeting Jackson first, as selfish as it sounds but it’s true.

They stand still, forehead to forehead, chest to chest, heart to heart.Frozen in time, only them in focus while the rest of the world is blurred out.

After what seems like an eternity, Jackson clears his throat.

‘’I’m really tired.’’ His voice is raspy and thick with exhaustion.Jaebum nods weakly, ignoring the disappointment and sudden sadness that washes over him like a wave.

Rays of sun bleed over Jackson’s face and Jaebum wants to kiss him again.

But wanting something and doing it are two completely different things.And at the moment,  _wanting_ is a much better option than _doing_.He kisses Jackson’s forehead instead and doesn’t miss how the younger tenses up slightly.

When he pulls away slowly, he feels strange kind of coldness wrapping around him but decides to ignore it for the sake of his own well-being. Jackson stays glued to the wall and watches Jaebum silently as he calls the white dog over and tells him something quietly.

He’s almost safe, he thinks as he watches Jaebum pause at the doorstep, casting one last look at him then exits the apartment and closes the door behind himself with a soft, almost indistinct click.

He lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding in and slides down on the floor, his back still resting against the wall.He lets his head drop limply on his hands that are supported by his knees and tries not to think too much about the sudden heaviness of his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My fingers are all kinds of sore.I hope you guys enjoyed this AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LEAVING COMMENTS AND KUDOS,it helps a lot! I'm probably gonna post one more chapter of this so stay tuned <3


	3. Chapter 3

**If I risk it all,**

**Could you break my fall?**

 

*******

 

Jackson can practically feel the weight of negativity and depression on his shoulders. There is a grey cloud over his head and it’s been pouring nonstop for the past two weeks.

He wishes that the problems in life could be as light and transparent as the smoke coming out of his cigarette. He doesn’t even count them anymore, just changes the box when it’s needed. And it’s sad really, how his lungs are more used to nicotine than to an actual air with oxygen. But it’s not like he’s too keen on breathing lately.

He hasn’t stepped into the self-defense club for a while and something keeps him restless. An indescribable feeling (and a shit ton of missed calls from Jinyoung) that almost makes him get up from his couch, take a long, hot shower and walk those five blocks down the street. But then there’s that same dread in the pit of his stomach mixed with cheap convenience store vodka holding him back.

He exhales the smoke lazily, raises his hand and watches it vanish between his fingers, licking his skin almost tenderly.

He didn’t use to like smoking very much but sometimes, for the sake of people you love, you start doing nasty shit that isn’t good for you at all.

 ( _‘’Isn’t it ironic? ’’ Jackson asks one time when him and Mark are sitting on a park bench, Mark’s legs over his lap, his red hair tousled by the breeze and the smoke of his just inflamed cigarette carried away aimlessly. Mark looks at him through squinted eyes as he takes a particularly long drag._

_‘’What is?’’_

_Jackson stares at his lips a little too long, almost hypnotized by the way they part and let the visible suspension of carbon and other particles dissolve into thin air._

_‘’The fact that you’re willingly putting something that’s slowly, but surely killing you in your mouth. ’’ He knows he sounds like a mother chiding her son for having such an awful habit, but he was never the one for smoking. Mark laughs short and almost mocking, his legs shaking lightly over Jackson’s thighs._

_He exhales again, this time much slower, holding Jackson’s moping gaze. Mark closes his eyes then, and lets his head fall back, content smile on his lips. When he opens them eyes again, they look placid, almost pensive_

_‘’We all die eventually, ’' He says, corners of his chapped lips pulling slightly upwards, ’’It’s just a matter of time.’’_

_Jackson swallows thickly but tries not to let those blatantly realistic words get to him.Instead, he squeezes one of Mark’s legs and looks at the older male with a  sullen expression. ’’But why speed up the process?’’_

_Mark doesn’t say anything. Only smiles softly and stretches out his hand with cigarette still in it, between his slender fingers. He nods his head subtly. ’’Try it.’’_

_Jackson’s face pales, ’’Are you fucking insane? I’m not doing it.’’ He crosses his arms over his chest and fixes his gaze ahead of him.Still, with a corner of his eye he catches Mark grinning broadly and inhaling the smoke thoroughly. There is a word, maybe even a whole sentence at the tip of his tongue that evaporates as soon as he feels a pair of cold, gentle hands turning his face to the side, and a pair of warm, toxic lips on his own._

_The smoke flows past his instinctively opened mouth and enters his lungs, burning like fire. Jackson pulls away and coughs dryly, smacking Mark’s shoulder._

_‘’You are insane.’’_

_Mark looks complacent, grinning smugly from ear to ear and Jackson wants to smack that smirk right off his pretty face. Maybe he would have done it if his lips didn’t tingle so pleasantly and his chest didn’t feel so warm and full._

_He hates how Mark knows him like he knows the back of his palm. Like a pirate knows his map with the exact place where he had buried the treasure._

_‘’Again? ‘’Mark licks his bottom lip, grinning cheekily. He inhales for the god knows what time and leans in closer, placing his pale hands around Jackson’s neck._

_‘’Fuck you. ‘’Jackson  shoves his face away with no actual sting to his insult and a grin on his lips.)_

Jackson presses the cigarette down against the floor and the memory itself scatters like ashes.

_-_

Charlie runs away one Saturday.

Actually, Jaebum is all to blame because he thought  it would be nice to let his beloved, four legged friend off the leash for a couple of minutes and let him roam around the park. And it was fine really, for about thirty seconds while he peed all over a tree and sniffed his own shit in the grass, but then he whipped around and took off like some invisible force has pulled him away.

Of course, Jaebum had no other choice but to chase him.

People turned around and stared at him with disapproving gazes as he bumped into them,trying to keep the big dog in sight.

‘’Charlie!’’ He shouts at the top off his lungs,startling a young boy in its mothers arms.He feels sorry, but never gets a chance to apologize as he sees the damn dog disappear behind the corner.

‘’Oh,fuck me.’’ He spits and almost cracks his skull open when he trips against the concrete. Big, expensive houses which all look the same, pass by him in a blur over and over until they shift and become grey old buildings as he runs, his lungs burning like fire, legs hurting.

Of course Jaebum recognizes the surroundings. He clearly knows where he is.What he doesn’t know is why the heck his dog decided to run away there.

When Charlie jumps into Jackson’s building, Jaebum almost falls flat on his face.

He stops, breath labored, legs wobbly and forehead covered with a sheen of sweat.He stares at the white tail of his pet wagging from side to side as he climbs the stairs and disappears from his line of vision.

It’s almost like in a romance novel, Jaebum notes vaguely as he slowly walks over to the entrance. _A very shitty romance novel_.

‘’Charlie?’’ He says softly,voice echoing through the empty space.He cringes when the dog barks loudly in return.’’Shh,it’s okay.’’ He says still out of breath, finally catching up to him and quickly putting the leash back on with a sigh of relief.

He casts a look at the closed door and stops briefly.He waits, but doesn’t even know why.Maybe to hear a sound, or to feel some kind of presence behind the door. But there’s nothing.And what he thought would feel like relief, suddenly fills his stomach up with worry that starts disassembling his insides like acid.

‘’Come on buddy, let’s go.’’ He turns around before the need to break that fucking door down dominates his reasonable side of brain, and tugs on the leash.Charlie whines once, his whole body tensing, sharp gaze fixed on the unpolished piece of wood.

Jaebum tugs again,’’ Come on, don’t make me carry you.You’re too big for that kind of pampering.’’ However, he only gets an ear twitch and a whine in response.

He lets out a defeated sigh,’’You’re not gonna let this one go until I ring a bell, are you?’’

The white dog opens his mouth, sharp teeth in full view as he licks his nose with his tongue swiftly.

‘’Spoiled little shit.’’Jaebum hisses through gritted teeth  and rolls his eyes but rings the bell nonetheless. _It’s for the dog_ , he convinces himself no matter how silly it sounds.The silence is heavy around them, stretching uncomfortably long.Jaebum rings again,and holds his finger couple seconds longer.For the dog.

His stomach tightens almost painfully, drops of sweat cascading down his neck and he licks his dry lips.Concern settles itself deep within his bones and he lifts his hand up midair as if to ring the bell one more time,but stops and tugs the leash instead.

‘’See? No one’s home.Can we go now?’’ The question is rather rhetorical and he’s already trying to pull the dog down the stairs, all his efforts in vain when Charlie gets up on his back legs and starts scratching the door with his claws.

‘’No,no-stop-Charlie!’’ He takes his soft paws in his left hand and hits his muzzle halfheartedly with his right.’’No.’’ He states firmly.’’We’re going h-‘’

He freezes when he finally hears footsteps behind the closed door.

Breath hitches in his throat, heart beating a mile per minute.He breaks out in a cold sweat when the door knob starts turning.

‘’Jaebum?’’

And the said male feels his heart drop to the sound of Jackson’s raspy voice.He stares at the shorter man from his half crouching position, with Charlie’s paws still in his palms holding the white dog on his back legs while feeling like a deer caught in the headlights.

‘’Hey,’’ He clears his throat and let’s Charlie down when he starts trashing around in his arms.He straightens up and looks at Jackson.'’Sorry if I like woke you up..or something,'’ He scratches behind his neck uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to another,'’Little rebel over here,’’ he points down to his pet who sits as still as a stone statue, finally looking satisfied, ‘’Decided to have a run.’’ He pauses to glare. ’’Six fucking blocks down.’’

‘’I wasn’t sleeping.’’Jackson runs a hand through his disheveled hair and opens the door slightly wider, giving Jaebum a glimpse of the mess behind him.Boxes of takeout, dirty clothes, couple bottles of soju lined up neatly by the wall.

Awkward silence fills the air and falls like a heavy downpour over their heads.

‘’You good?’’Jaebum swallows thickly,ignoring his throat that feels rough like sandpaper and focuses his gaze on dark rings under Jackson’s eyes and a small, almost unnoticeable cut on his knuckle instead.Jackson runs over his chapped bottom lip with his tongue and Jaebum follows the movement.

‘’Yeah.’’ His voice wavers like a flame of a candle.Warm and dainty.’’You?’’ He rasps, leaning against the door frame and the door squeaks when he pushes it with the back of his foot.

‘’Fine.’’

‘’Good.’’

Jaebum nods again.He turns around and is so fucking ready to go home, with or without the damn dog,but then-

‘’Hey,you hungry?’’ There’s a frisky edge to Jackson’s voice that makes Jaebum’s heart leap back from his stomach right in his throat and his teeth to sink deep into his bottom lip to control a stupid grin that’s threatening to split his face in half.

‘’Depends,’’ He  turns around, arms crossed over his chest.’’Leftover  pizza  again?’’

‘’Fuck no.’’Jackson scrunches up his nose in disgust,’’I’ve shitted like a horse after that.’’

Jaebum throws his head back in laughter.

‘’Then what do you have on the menu, chef?’ ’ He chuckles, mimicking Jackson’s position as he leans on a wall next to him.For the first time since they’ve stated this conversation he sees a hint of a smile on Jackson’s bitten lips.

‘’It’s a surprise.’’ He turns around and walks inside with Jaebum and Charlie both trailing after him (Jaebum feeling more like a dog than the actual dog beside him).

 ‘’Fried chicken it is.’’

-

It’s like nothing had ever happened.

They’re back to the same old routine they’ve been through months ago consisted of work, eat, sleep and repeat ( and drink of course because that cheap convenience store vodka still waits for Jackson to come home every night with open arms).

This time however, Jackson feels Jaebum’s eyes following his every move like a hawk, he feels Jaebum’s breath on the back of his neck when he ‘accidentally’ leans in too close to say something to him and his damn skin prickles against the will of his brain that’s still saying _‘abort,abort!’_ but it becomes quieter each time it happens.

Because Jaebum is there.And Jaebum is warm.And Jackson has an enormous urge to lean against his firm chest each time Jaebum comes that close.As much as he denies it to himself over and over he craves it.He needs it.

Jaebum became his cigarette.

A stick of nicotine that never seems to burn down.It keeps on kindling so close to the reach of Jackson’s fingers but so far away from his lips.And just when he thinks it’s over, that the whole thing has burned down to goddamn ashes, it inflames again, burning with full force.

But unlike the slender white cancer sticks resting in a carton box, he can’t take this one.

Why?

Because Jaebum burns.

He burns with a radiation of thousand suns, so bright and so warm that Jackson loses his coordination every time he’s near.And when Jaebum smiles, lips curling upwards showing  his teeth, eyes crinkling by the corners, Jackson thinks that he can feel his fallen apart world collecting itself again like a broken glass being glued back together.

But Mark hasn’t burned down yet.And Jackson feels he never will.

Mark is a cigarette that lays in its ashtray seemingly forgotten, but never completely neglected because Jackson comes to it every day and takes a little inhale, small amount of oxygen, just enough to keep it burning for one more day, one more week, one more month.And just when he thinks it’s over, that he can finally let go, the memories come back and overfill his mind and body with sadness.

It’s like a black hole, sucking him further and further, leaving no trace behind.An abyss of utter chaos that he wants to free himself from but can’t.He doesn’t know how.He’s a prisoner of his own mind (and heart, but that thing has been broken for quite some time).

So he exhales.Slow and steady.Let’s the smell of smoke linger in his nostrils, lets the taste of nicotine dissolve on his tongue, let’s his mind be mended by memories that turn into illusions the more he thinks about them, successfully shifting and blurring fine lines between present and past.

_‘’We all die eventually.’’_

-

Jackson’s sprawled on his living room couch staring at the ceiling when his phone buzzes. He reaches his hand out only to be greeted by bright screen that makes him blink and a text from Youngjae that says _‘Just came back from Mokpo.You up for some pot brownies?’_

And honestly, who is Jackson to decline such an offer?

-

‘’Dude,your apartment stinks’’, Is the first thing Youngjae says when he enters.He takes off his shoes, strolls through the narrow corridor and drops the paper bag on the table.Jackson looks up from his spot, which is the same one he’s been lying for half an hour and thinks how Youngaje looks ten times uglier upside down.

‘’Thanks,I feel the love.’’ He lets out a muffled ‘ouch’ when Youngjae hits him on the stomach.’’How was your trip?’’ He manages to ask not bothering to look at the younger as he takes the brownies out of the bag and brings them on a paper plate.

‘’The usual,’’ He mumbles between the bites,’’Mom’s still going through her menopause so we all had to tiptoe around the house and dad still loves his car more than he’ll ever love any of us.The cat included.’’

‘’You have a new cat?’’

Youngjae nods and ignores the crumbs that fall on the floor.

‘’Please don’t make me babysit again.’’Jackson whines and takes a bite of his own.’’Holy shit that’s strong.’’ He deadpans, smell of weed strong in his nosetrils. Youngaje giggles.

‘’I’ve gotten slightly carried away while measuring,’’ Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t sound apologetic at all.

They eat in silence for a while and Jackson soon starts feeling the effects of the drug.It’s doesn’t hit him strongly per say, but there’s still a slight buzz in his head and the colors are blending into one, everything in the room looking fuzzy.

He likes this.He missed Youngjae’s company even though he would never admit something like that out loud. Youngjae is the type of a person that just drags the depression out of you.He’s like a ray of sunshine (a really witty,whiny ray of sunshine),and his smile lightens up the whole room.It even manages to repair a small fraction of Jackson’s broken heart, but only for those few hours as they sit side by side, completely shitfaced, discussing why Jack had to die when there was place for both him and Rose on that stupid piece of wood floating on the icy water.

‘’It’s because Rose was a selfish bitch.’’ Youngjae says,his voice laced with judgment.Jackson nods silently.’’I mean there was like place for three-no,five other people! And all that I’ll never let go bulshit. Yeah my ass.’’

Soon they’ve eaten all the brownies, empty paper bag lying forgotten by their feet, crumbs scattered everywhere.Youngjae picks some from the floor and eats them.

‘’Gross.’’Jackson comments,wrinkling his nose in disgust

‘’Oh please.’’ Youngaje rolls his eyes,’’You used to eat boogers when we were little.’’

Jackson shuts up because he can’t argue with that really.

‘’Blue is my favorite color.’’ Youngjae says abruptly and somewhat dreamily, staring ahead of him.

‘’Mine’s black.’’Jackson mumbles.

‘’Black Is not a color,it’s a shade.’’

‘’You’re shady.’’Jackson can feel his head starting to pound again and that’s the last thing he wants right now.Youngaje starts humming a random song that Jackson knows from the radio but can’t name the artist for his life.Not that it matters. All those so called singers these days come and go,they make one hit with millions of views on  _YouTube_  and disappear from the public eye before anyone can even blink.Jackson sometimes wishes he could just disappear.

‘’So there’s a guy,’’ Youngaje starts and Jackson wants to laugh dryly because _There’s always a guy._ Youngaje however, doesn’t wait for a response as he continues.

‘’He’s like really tall and really nice.He’s smart too.And he has the poopiest shade of brown eyes I’ve ever seen.They’re dazzling.’’

Jackson snorts.’’A real charmer,huh?’’

‘’Fuck yeah.’’ Youngaje mumbles, but his voice is strained, barely above a whisper.’’Charmingly straight.’’

 _There it is_ , Jackson thinks and almost smiles.Youngaje’s always managed to get emotionally attached to people that are either taken or don’t like dick.Sometimes both.Jackson can’t even count on his fingers how many times he’s been a pillow for his crying friend, shirt stained with salty tears and snot.Eventually, Youngaje would move on,get back to his sassy sunshine self until another straight, taken man appeared in his life and wrecked it all over again.

It had its perks however, when Jackson stumbled into Youngaje’s apartment at three a.m., knuckles covered in blood, eyes full of tears and heart shattered into millions of pieces.Youngaje hadn’t questioned a single thing.Just pulled him tightly in a hug and held him until the  morning muttering that _everything’s going to be okay and that they’ll fix the goddamn hole in the wall._

It has never fully gotten okay, hole on the wall still open like a fresh wound.

‘’Everyone’s a little gay.’’Jackson tries to sound comforting, pushing away the dark thoughts that are starting to take over his brain again.Youngjae chuckles and looks at him,eyes glossy and unfocused.

‘’What about you?’’ He asks and Jackson’s confused for a second because they’ve been friends since they could walk and Youngaje already knows about his sexual preferences. But then he sees that look in the younger’s eyes and suddenly he feels his heart drop right in his stomach, throat convulsing around nothing.

‘’So there’s a guy,’’ He begins, mimicking Youngaje’s previous words, voice damaged and thin.Youngaje sits up a bit straighter mouth gaped.

‘’Like a real man? Penis and all?’’

Jackson has a sudden urge to smack him over the head.’’Stop objectifying men.’’Jackson scolds him,’’And yes.Genitalia included.’’

‘’Woah.’’Youngaje mutterss in awe like he’s heard the most fascinating thing in his life and slumps back against the couch.Jackson can’t really blame him.

‘’I know.’’

It’s half past midnight and Jackson can feel the effect of the pot wearing off leaving him numb and tired.

‘’So?’’ Youngaje asks,still looking at Jackson.

‘’So what?’’

‘’Why don’t you try?’’

Jackson’s heart aches at those words.

He’s always been so fucking jealous of Youngaje’s outlook on the world.Everything is so easy in his eyes.So reachable and achievable (except his love life of course, but Jackson will never say that out loud).So instead of answering he turns his head slowly and looks Youngaje dead in the eye.The look he’s given him so many times before.The look that doesn’t need a single word to go along with it.He sees Youngaje swallow thickly and knows that he understood.

‘’This is fucked up’’ He says and Jackson agrees with his whole being.’’Burgers?’’

And the older male is once again reminded why he loves this kid so damn much.

-

Youngaje’s words stay engraved in the back of his head for almost a week.A feeling that keeps him restless at night, tossing and turning in his bed until early morning hours.Misery has made his heart a home for so long and has definitely overstayed its welcome, therefor he feels the need to kick it out and get rid of it.Once and for all.

That’s why when he asks Jaebum if he wants to hang out, he’s not really surprised by the bewildered face Jaebum gives him and the flutter of his heart when Jaebum says ‘’Yeah,sure.’’ And smiles with that hundred watt smile of his.

 

That’s how they end up on Jackson’s terrace, sipping cold beer and enjoying the late afternoon sun that’s warming up the city.

 ‘’Why did you get it?’’Jackson asks as he puts his leg on a chair nerby, eyes fixed on Jaebum’s arm.Jaebum wipes sweat from his forhead,his tank top raising slightly, exposing his toned stomach.

‘’The tattoo?’’ He runs his finger subconsciously over the ink on his left upper arm.Jackson nods and empties his cigarette in the ashtray.

The sun is dipping behind the horizon slowly.It casts a warm orange hue over both of them, diluting the darkness of Jaebum’s eyes.''Because I was a rebellious sixteen-year-old.’’ He snorts absently.

Jackson doesn’t buy it.

‘’So you woke up one day deciding to put a random quote on your arm.Permanently.’’

Jaebum shifts in his seat, taking a large gulp of his beer.There is nostalgia imprinted all over his face and Jackson only bends his head to the side, blowing the smoke past his lips.

‘’I was an athlete back in high school.’’ Jaebum says eventually and turns his head away, looking straight at the setting sun.Jackson stays silent while he watches a few drops of sweat slide down Jaebum’s neck and waits for him to continue.

‘’They said I was an extraordinary talent. I trained every single day to become even better.To make my parents proud.’’ He drops his gaze,boring holes into the half empty beer bottle.

‘’I even had a secured scholarship in one of the universities,’’ the corners of his mouth pull into a sad smile,’’All I needed to do is sign the contract and keep my legs safe.’’ He looks straight into Jackson’s eyes,his own red and glossy.’’And I failed.’’

Jackson feels something deep inside of him crack at the sound of Jaebum’s thin voice.He opens his mouth, as if to say something, anything, but the words are stuck in his throat.However, the silence has no time to stretch as Jaebum continues on his own.

‘’It was the last day of high school so we decided to drive to the nearby town and have a blast.Euphoria,summer break,friends,booze,everything.’’ He looks into distance again, pupils dilated and Jackson wonders if Jaebum is reliving those times in his head in a form of moving pictures on the screen.Because he sure is, even though he wasn’t there.

Large group of young people, happy, relieved, singing and dancing in a car as the music blasts through the speakers.Immature youth with no care in the world, caught in a moment of eternal freedom.

‘’Our car collided with a truck.’’ He closes his eyes and let his head fall back.He exhales through his nose.’’Three of them dead on the spot.The friend who was driving had some beers but he wasn’t drunk.He ended up in a coma.’’ His eyebrows are knitted together making a deep wrinkle on his forehead.

‘’My leg got stuck between the passenger seat and the front of the car.’’ He rubs his left leg and stretches it out.’’God,it was so fucking painful I thought I was going to die.’’

Jackson swallows thickly, feels cold sweat at the back of his neck,and clutches the cold beer bottle tightly in his hand.

‘’I should be thankful right?’’ He chuckles but there’s no humor in his voice.Just pain and regret.’’They’ve managed to patch me up quite good if I may say so myself.’’ This time there is a weak smile on his chapped lips as he grabs the edge of his shorts and pulls it up to reveal a huge scar that goes from his upper thigh to the crown of his knee.

’’The bone was completely crushed.They told me that there is ninety five percent chance I’ll never run again.’’ He still has the shorts pulled up, displaying the scar,’’But I managed to beat their statistics.’’ Their eyes lock for a split second, but It’s enough for Jackson to see fire burning behind those black orbs.

Jackson stares at the pinkish piece of thick skin thinking how it looks tragically misplaced but still fits like it’s made just for that part of Jaebum’s body. Fortunately unfortunate, perfectly imperfect.

He has a sudden urge touch it, the need so strong he actually reaches his hand out but stops when he sees another tattoo, this time much smaller, showing a golden trophy.’’Is this the other one?’’ He asks remembering his and Jaebum’s conversation from a while ago.

‘’Yeah,’’Jaebum grips the edge of his shorts tightly and Jackson pretends that he doesn’t see his hand trembling. ‘’I decided to do it after my leg was healed and I learned to use it again and not hate it completely. I could even run,but never with the same speed and force as before.They called me a miracle.’’ His smile is a proud one.Jackson’s heart is drumming loud against his rib cage.

‘’Can I touch it?’’ He blurts out before he can bite his own tongue to stop himself. Jaebum looks taken aback for a moment before he nods hesitantly.

When his cold fingers brush over the scar, Jaebum shudders.It feels normal.It feels like skin.But the gesture itself feels beyond intimate so Jackson pulls his hand away slowly.He sees Jaebum’s skin prickling.

‘’Did it hurt?’’ He pulls away,and leans back against his chair,the air around them filled with some kind of static electricity, like a magnet pulling him right back, tho he resists.

‘’The injury itself or the fact that I’ll never be able to fulfill my dream of becoming the best runner in the world?’’ Even with the joyful undertone,Jaebum still holds great amount of sadness in his eyes.

Both, Jackson wants to say,but he somehow knows what the answer would be.

‘’I meant the tattoo, but okay.’’

 Jaebum laughs and punches Jackson shoulder with almost no force to his hit,making the shorter male grin.

‘’Dick.’’Jaebum mumbles against the rim of his bottle, still chuckling as he sips his beer away.’’But to answer your question, it did.It hurt like a bitch.’’ He’s laughing again.’’Maybe you should get one too.’’And even though he’s grinning, Jackson feels the honesty behind Jaebum’s words.

‘’Maybe I should.’’Jackson mutters to himself and looks at the painted sky of Seoul.

He puts his leg on a chair again and it squeaks underneath the pressure of his foot.Jaebum is looking over the city  seemingly deep in thought and Jackson use the opportunity to just stop and stare.He knows that Jaebum knows that he’s staring, it’s not like he’s being super subtle about it.But it’s really hard not to when the sun is painting Jaebum’s skin in such beautiful shades and tones, making him look so young and eternal.

Jackson wishes he could save this moment forever.Lock it up under a key and keep it, because he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to resist.He’s afraid that if he reaches his hand out to touch Jaebum, he’ll get burnt. So he stops and thinks again, holds himself back and drowns in the coldness of his memories just for  a little longer.

Because Mark is the stubborn snow that lingers on the sides of the sidewalk and Jaebum is the sun that’s slowly melting it away.

-

‘’Jaebum wait!’’ The said male stops as he hears his name being called.He turns around slowly and sees Jinyoung jogging up to him.

They’ve had a two hour practice with some of the more advanced kids and now they’re free for the rest of the day.Jackson didn’t show up.

‘’You walk really fast.’’Jinyoung breaths out a she stops to catch his breath.Jaebum has a sudden urge to laugh at the irony of it all.

‘’What’s up?’’ He tries to keeps his voice casual.He likes Jinyoung because of his bright smiles that leave his eyes crinkling by the corners and his soothing voice that could put even a die-hard insomniac to sleep.He likes Jinyoung because he’s Jackson’s friend.

The dark haired male scratches behind his neck uncomfortably, looking at Jaebum with his big eyes.’’Are you busy right now? Can we talk?’’

Jaebum is slightly confused but he nods anyway because, yeah, he has time to spare.Jinyoung’s doe eyes light up.’’Great! Wanna grab a coffee?’’

‘’Yeah,sure.’’ In his mind, a cup of caffeine sounds just about heavenly right now.

They don’t sit in a coffee shop, taking their coffees to go because it’s a really nice, sunny day outside.Busy streets are filled with people, mostly parents with their kids shopping for school supplies with the beginning of a new school year just around the corner.

‘’How do you like the job?’’Jinyoung makes small talk to chase the awkward silence away.

‘’I really like it.It’s great.’’Jaebum smiles but doesn’t sound convincing even to himself. if Jiyoung notices the lack of enthusiasm in Jaebum’s voice, he lets it slide and sips his _Americano._

Jaebum waits for the other male to say something.He feels a serious talk coming soon because even if they work together and they are on good terms, he’d never invite the younger male on a casual coffee and a stroll through the city.When Jinyoung eventually clears his throat subtly, Jaebum takes a deep breath through his nose.

‘’Jackson is a great guy.’’Jinyoung says,letting every world roll over his tongue slowly, as if to emphasize his statement.Jaebum swallows and nods equally as slow.

‘’I know.’’

Jinyoung stops abruptly, making Jaebum stop too.He’s looking at Jaebum with a really intense stare, his big eyes holding great determination. ’’He’s a really great guy.’’

Jaebum wants to say _‘yeah,I know,I’ve met him’_ , but somehow, words get stuck so easily, like he’s throat is covered in glue.He stares at Jinyoung silently as the other male blinks slowly, letting his head fall down,defeated.

‘’I can’t do this anymore,Jaebum.’’ His voice is so weak, Jaebum barely even catches it.They’re still standing in the middle of the street,slowly starting to get weird looks from the people that pass by.’’I can’t bear to watch him suffer like that and not be able to do anything. ’’ He raises his head and Jaebum sees unshed tears in his eyes.He curses in his mind but still doesn’t find it in himself to say anything.

‘’I-‘’ He starts, closing his mouth seconds later because the words just won’t flow past his lips.They stay on his tongue and melt as soon as he tries to speak.What could he even say? Pat Jinyoung’s shoulder with a generic ’it gets better’ bullshit.He can’t lie that much.It doesn’t get better.But it also doesn’t get worse than this.

Jinyoung shakes his head as if to clear his head and starts walking again, fastening up his pace.Jaebum follows him bumping against some guy, muttering an apology. The iced coffee in his hand has gotten lukewarm and he tosses it in a nearby trashcan.

‘’You know I’ve never thought I’d see him smiling again.’’Jinyoung says and sips his coffee.Jaebum wonders if it’s also warm as his was.’’After…Mark died’’,he pauses and blinks, flips the bangs from his eyes, frown plastered on his lips,’’He was a total wreck.He still is.’’Jinyoung shakes his head, throwing his own coffee in the trash.

Jaebum clears his throat,’’What was he like …’’ He trails off not being able to push those words past his lips,feeling like they’re some kind of forbidden, sacred spell.

‘’When Mark was still alive?’’Jinyoung finishes off for him bluntly but there are tears still gathered by the corners of his eyes. Jaebum can only nod for the hundredth time today.

Corners of Jinyoung’s lips twitch into a small smile,his whole face looking brighter for a couple of seconds.Jaebum thinks he’s probably taking a trip down the memory lane so he waits patiently, trying to keep up with the younger male’s pace.

‘’I guess he was alive too,you know?’’Jinyoung looks at him with slightly squinted eyes, head cocked to the side, like he’s asking,  _begging_ , Jaebum to understand. He doesn’t have to.Jaebum already knows that.

‘’Seriously, he was so outgoing and happy.Mark and him were truly made for each other.’’

Jaebum tries to ignore the enormous pain in his chest from those words.The feeling of regret for not meeting  Jackson first comes to him again and he feels disgusted with his selfishness.

‘’But every time he sees you, a piece of old him returns.’’

Jaebum inhales sharply, clenches his hands into fists and bites his tongue inside of his mouth.If possible, those words hurt even more than the previous ones.

‘’You can help him Jaebum.’’ There is pure desperation in Jiynoung’s voice and all over his face, his big eyes glossy, streaks of black hair falling into them.’’Please help him.’’ He whispers and presses his lips into a thin line, turning his head away.

Jaebum’s heart clenches.

‘’He doesn’t want me.’’

‘’It’s not about him wanting you,but rather needing you.’’Jinyoung says,head stil turned away.Jaebum’s eyebrows furrow.

Jaebum doesn’t want to be needed.He doesn’t want to be someone’s happy pill or an afternoon therapy session.He’s a human too.He wants to feel loved and wanted and appreciated. He doesn’t want to constantly be in a shadow of someone else.Someone who was more dear to Jackson than he’ll ever be.

His heart hurts so much he thinks it might explode, but he only swallows dryly and focuses on the sound of his shoes against the concrete.

‘’Just think about It,please.’’Jinyoung sighs running a hand through his disheveled hair, staring at Jaebum with pleading eyes.

Jaebum doesn’t nod this time, just continues walking straight ahead.

-

 

  **September 13 th ,2014**

The sky is grey like the tombstones surrounding him.

Sun hasn't dared to peak through the clouds yet and Jackson hopes it stays hidden.It’s early morning, not even half past five and he really shouldn’t be here.But It wasn’t hard getting up in the morning when he didn’t even fall asleep in the first place.

He makes his way slowly across the neatly trimmed grass, pack of cigars in his left and an envelope with that old picture in his right hand.Jackson briefly looks at the engraved names and years, wishes and memories on the cold stones and his heart feels heavier than usual.All those people were someone’s sons, daughters, wives, husbands, lovers.Now they’re just bones buried six feet underground.

A small wooden bench is still warm when he sits on it and for a moment he is surprised until he spots a petite, older  woman, making her way to the exit gate and everything makes sense.It seems like he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.

As if feeling the eyes on her back, she turns around face frozen as she spots Jackson sitting on the bench next to the grave.When their eyes lock he feels the memories rushing back to him in a form of holiday gatherings, homemade cooking and silly nicknames such as _‘soon to be my son in law,Jackson’_.

He nods subtly and she smiles weakly but genuinely and the sadness washes over him like a fload.She doesn’t linger much longer and soon Jackson is looking at her back again as she disappears in her car, driving away with her engine roaring softly.

He turns his attention back at the cold stone before him,opens his mouth to say something, anything, but his throat is feeling like cotton,burning as he swallows.

‘’Hey.’’ He says eventually, voice strained.He waits but doesn’t even know what he’s waiting for.Ruffling of the leaves? Caressing of the breeze? He waits for something to make him know that he is okay.That Mark is fine.However, he only gets silence as a greeting.

And it shouldn't hurt this much, after a year has passed by.

A year with him struggling with himself.

A year of just staring at that same stupid picture every day.

A year without Mark, and he feels that it can’t get closer to eternity than this.

He closes his eyes and lets the memories whelm his senses, numbing every pain he feels.

 _‘How was your day? Talk to me._ ’  He hears Mark’s voice echoing in his head.

So he does.

He talks about everything, but at the same time nothing at all.Pointless, silly things like Jinyoung learning how to drive and hitting a tree, or that one time when him and Youngjae got so high, talking about Titanic for hours.(He leaves out the sad details because Mark doesn’t need to know that.)

Jackson stares at the white envelope with words _‘I love you’_ written on them with the neatest handwriting he could muster with his trembling hands.

‘’And I’ve met a guy.’’ He whispers, leaning in closer to rest his chin on his hands that are propped on his knees.The bold letters of Mark’s name stare right back at him and he takes a deep breath before continuing.Silence is suffocating.

‘’His name is Jaebum.Im Jaebum.’’ He’s not really sure why he says Jaebum’s full name but it somehow seems appropriate. ’’He’s really stupid and clumsy and he gets on my nerves a lot.’’Jackson’s voice is rising slightly with each word he utters until he remembers that it’s half past five in the morning and that he needs to keep it down.

‘’And his annoying, white dog with its cute muzzle and fluffy tail wagging side to side 24/7 like it’s on autopilot. Who even names their dog Charlie?’’Jackson smiles as he remembers how smug the dog looked when he opened the door and caught Jaebum red-handed outside of his apartment.

A few rays of sun are slowly starting to peak through the grey clouds and Jackson doesn’t really mind them that much.

‘'Jaebum is all sunny smiles with all of his goddamn teeth showing and those two small moles under his left eyebrow that disappear every time his hair falls into his eyes.And he likes to talk,but fumbles with his words when he’s nervous and flushes when he’s embarrassed.’’

He shakes his head slowly and looks at his dirty shoes.

‘’I don’t know what’s happening to me Mark.’’

And It’s the first time he’s saying the syllables of Mark’s name since he came here.Strangely, the name flows past his lips easily and it doesn’t sound strange nor foreign out there in the open.

Soft breeze ruffles his hair and Jackson finally feels it.He feels the comfort that comes with it and the way that sun is now fully shining over him, warming up his skin.The sun that’s slowly melting away the snow and he feels that maybe he can finally let go fully.

So he gets up from the bench that squeaks in return, crouches over the grave to place the white envelope against the tombstone. Then he takes a cigarette from the box and lights it. As he inhales, the smoke filling up his lungs with pleasant familiarity, for the first time in a long time he feels somewhat at peace.

‘’Thank you.’’ He says and stares at the marbled stone with a look full of affection.There is so much more to that statement but in a way it’s enough to just say it like that.Plain and simple.

He sticks the cigar in the ground next to the tombstone and watches as the smoke flows into air.With one last sigh he turns around and walks away, feeling the ground dip under his sneakers.

In the ruffling of the leaves he swears he hears a whisper.

 _'‘It’s okay.I love you too._ ’'

-

Jaebum opens the door shirtless, hair mused and eyes heavy with sleep that widen the second he spots Jackson outside of his door.

''Jackson?'' His voice is slightly deeper than usual, ''What are you doing here?''

Jackson looks at those dark piercing eyes,then lets his gaze wonder down over Jaebum's exposed chest, red marks of the sheets still imprinted into his skin and that damn tattoo over his bicep, bold letters screaming at him to do something.

_''When there's will there is a way'.'_

_'And yeah, fuck, there is will',_ he thinks as he launches forward crashing his lips onto Jaebum's.The taller male stumbles back from the force of Jackson's body colliding with his own, his posture stiff, and lips sealed tightly.Jackson feels like his heat is breaking all over again.Suddenly there is a pair of rough, warm hands on his chest that softly push him away.Their foreheads are still connected, breaths mingling into one as they pant in union.

The heat of the moment dies down and all Jackson can thing is _'what the fuck have I done?'_

Jaebum pulls away completely and the coldness that settles into the space between them makes Jackson shiver.

''Why?'' Jaebum asks after a long, suffocating pause and Jackson isn't ready for the look Jaebum gives him.One simple question, yet it burns his insides more than any cheap vodka ever did.He hates this.Feeling this vulnerable and exposed.

He swallows thickly, not knowing what to answer.

''You think you can just fucking barge into my apartment at the crack of dawn and kiss the shit out of me when you were the one to push me away last time?'' There is a slight flush on Jaebum's face that spreads over his naked chest the more he speaks and raises his voice.

Jackson drops his gaze.

''And now you have nothing to say, huh?'' He snorts crossing arms over his chest and the tattoo stretches over his skin.Jackson averts his gaze and looks at the floor.

''At least look me in the eyes.''

He wants to.He fucking wants to stare at those eyes until he grows old and wrinkled and dies but he can't.Not when he knows just what he'll see in them.And he doesn't want to cope with that again.Drunk or sober.

''Great.'' Jaebum breaths out and suddenly sounds so tired and exhausted. Jackson feels the guilt and anger with himself creeping at the back of his neck.''I don't even deserve a single glance.''

Jackson's jaw clenches, he feels his teeth grinding against one another and he has so many things to say but the words won't fall from his tongue.

''Go home Jackson.'' Jaebum says and his voice is barely above a whisper, but it sends a turmoil down Jackson's spine and he feels like someone has kicked him in his gut over and over again until he can see nothing more than his life that is falling apart second by second, no hope in repairing it.

His body and mind feel disconnected when his legs start moving on their own accord towards the door but his mind is screaming for him to stop, say something, fix this, fix them. And it's silly in a way, because there even wasn't them to begin with and now it'll never be.

He's grabbing the door handle when there's a low whine beside him and a pair of paws, clawing his jeans.He smiles weekly.

''Hey buddy.'' He pets Charlie's head and the dog nuzzles his palm.

''Charlie, down.'' Jaebum's voice is colder than his glare on Jackson's back and the dog looks conflicted for a moment before he settles on all of his four paws again and goes to Jaebum's side

Jackson worries his bottom lip between his teeth and wonders why he even tried in the first place.Why he even took the risk so boldly when everything was damaged beyond repair even before it started.

But the answer is right before his as he turns around.

He tried because of the way Jaebum's eyes are red and teary even though he shouldn't be the one that feels like crying.He tried because he wanted to see that smile back on Jaebum's face that leaves his eyes glossy and crinkling by the corners .He wants that smile to be kept and intended only for him every day because it brings light into his life like the rays of sun that chase away the gray clouds.He tried because he has no fucking idea what he's doing but he's willing to break this bubble around himself that has been keeping him caged for so long.

''It's been a year,'' He says and Jaebum's eyes soften.Or maybe it's just his sleep deprived mind playing tricks on him.And even though his throat his aching and his chest is burning,h e continues. ''I went to see him.'' His voice cracks. ''I went to see Mark.'' He takes a deep breath and presses the heel of his palm against his eyes, preventing any tears from falling. He feels weak by the knees,feels like his legs will give up on him any second because he's so exhausted from all this.

So he lets them rest by falling to the floor with his back against the wooden door.

Jaebum'sl lips are pressed into a tight line but his hands aren't crossed over his chest anymore.They are clenched into fists by his sides, Charlie licking his knuckles with strange kind of empathy.

''I think you should go Jackson.'' He says but the pleading in his voice overweights any kind of determination his words might carry.

''I don't know how this shit works y'know?'' Jackson ignores his last statement and looks at him, head slightly tipped to the side, arms resting over his knees that are bent. ''It's been so long since I've felt something like this.Shit.'' He lets his head fall in his hands.

The clock on the wall ticks away like a time bomb ready to explode.

''You pissed me off so much in the beginning.'' He says as he remembers how Jaebum took him for that god awful _'coffee'_ and how he bugged him to teach him new moves.But even then he had a feeling that this isn't going to end smoothly. Jaebum slowly tucked himself under his skin then slowly made his way into Jackson's shattered heart too.

''And I wanted to hate you, I really did but I couldn't when you were so nice to me all the damn time and smiled that stupid smile of yours like your life depended on it.'' He glances up briefly and sees that Jaebum is standing closer to him, corners of his lips tugging into a small smile.Hope swells in his chest.

''Continue.'' Jaebum's face hardens again, arms crossing back over his chest.

''This is so fucking embarrassing.''

''I'm going to smack you.'' There's a playful edge to Jaebum's voice, barely there, but enough to crack the tension in the air and give Jackson the push he needs to proceed. He stands up and steps closer, feeling smaller than ever _._

''Everyone has given up on me long ago.Including my family.'' He smiles bitterly remembering how he hasn't heard from his parents in a while.

''Not everyone.''Jaebum says and Jackson feels his hot breath on his face wondering, slightly startled, when did they get so close to each other.

''Jiynoung has also given up, he's just pitying me now.'' He's looking at the floor when he says that and suddenly there are fingers under his chin lifting his face up and a pair of dark eyes with two moles under the left brow staring at him.

''I'm still here.''

Jackson's eyes widen, chest squeezing but it's not painful this time.

''Wait,so does that mean-''

''Shut up, Jackson.'' Jaebum rolls his eyes with a grin and all Jackson can do is breath out an _'okay'_   before he feels a pair of lips against his own.Jaebum is warm and rough around the edges,but still soft once you dig a little deeper.His hands grip Jackson's hips and pull him closer,the heat of their bodies making Jackson dizzy.

Jaebum tastes like ocean and home.Perfect mix of something Jackson hasn't felt in a long time but has been missing dearly.He cups Jaebum's face with his hands and deepens the kiss, slowly and tentatively licking his way into Jaebum's mouth, letting their tongues meet.He lets out a content sigh that turns into a whine of protest when Jaebum bites his lip softly and pulls away.

Charlie barks happily and squeezes his way between their pressed bodies, jumping on his back legs with his tongue sticking out.Jaebum chuckles down at him.

''You want a kiss too?'' The white dog barks again and Jackson stares with fondness as Jaebum leans down to peck the dog on the muzzle.He clears his throat.

''So...what now?'' He asks and his stomach grumbles embarrassingly loud making Jaebum look at him and chuckle.

''I have some leftover pizza and a microwave.'' Jaebum's grin is blinding, the familiarity of those words striking a raw nerve in Jackson, filling his chest with warmness.He suddenly feels like the rain has stopped and the rainbow has peaked behind the clouds.Like the snow has finally melted away, but the slight chill still doesn't go away.And it probably never will.But that's okay too, because now he has his own personal sun to keep him warm.

''It's like you read my mind.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and supporting! I hope you enjoyed this story that honestly got a mind of its own in the middle...I didn't plan to make it this long oops.See ya in one of my next works hopefully! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment to let me know what you think!This story is also posted on Wattpad under title 'Destiny'.Mark with red hair is my religion.Got7 is my religion.I'm i trash-sorry,not sorry.


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